Surviving the Rockpocalypse

With December 21st, 2012 past us and John Cusack not needed to save us all from an untimely doom, we now are able to look positively into the future about the wonderment and joy it will bring. But this is a horrible idea. Sure it didn't happen in 1999, 2000, or 2012; but at any moment we could be taken out by some random prophecy foretold by someone like Nostradamus or Miss Cleo. So read ahead and take the needed steps to prepare for the worst possible scenarios the universe could throw at us.

Look, we humans we had a good run and should be very proud of ourselves. We discovered fire, crafted the wheel, put a man on the moon, and invented the Canadian Tuxedo. While we all could stand around constantly high-fiving over the continuation of our totally cool civilization, it is probably a better plan to prepare for next time. If we don't, we risk being cleaned off the face of the Earth like a month old mustache on the first day of December.

First off, I’m going to safely assume you’ve already done some research into the idea of another impeding doomsday scenario and have already built yourself a bunker. I’m going to continue blindly assuming that you also stocked up on water and delicious snacks to take underground to enjoy while roving bands of mutants fight Mel Gibson on the surface of the earth.

Rodney Maslow, the creator of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, based human survival on several core needs in order to survive. Designed to look like a very classy and snazzy looking pyramid; fun stuff like self-actualization, pats on the back, and getting hugs from cute puppies are all secondary to our core needs of food, shelter, water, and Rock Band.

Lately, there is some controversy amongst the members of the Nobel committee on whether or not Rock Band should be included as a basic human motivation. But after an EPIC Rock Band night this last Halloween (Committee Chairman Gunnar Orquist does an amazing version of “Strutter” by KISS), they all agreed that humans need regular Rock Band sessions to survive.

So you’re going to need to save room in your survival shelter for your sweet Pro Drums, keys, guitars, and wireless microphones. Don’t worry about the logistics of generating electricity as I think if you bring some lemons and some wires you could MacGyver yourself some power to your game console. The more important thing is that you stock your hard drive with amazing DLC before the internet is taken over by killer bees, walking fish, or dolphins with thumbs.

Now that your shelter has been successfully stocked with snack cakes and drum kits, I also suggest choosing some great Rock Band DLC in accordance with whichever one of these three scenarios likely we have headed our way.

The WOPR & Fries Scenario: US Army Central Command goes haywire and an automated artificial intelligence takes over. Raising our defense level to DEFCON 11, this advanced computer system goes rogue and destroys all restaurants in the world except for Burger King. The BK then takes over our economy and logically ends up building cyborgs.

DLC to consider: “Overkill” by Men at Work, “Inside Out” by Eve 6, “Bye Bye Love" by The Cars.

This eclectic mix will prepare you for the cultural and eventual total culinary takeover of our society that leads us to oval shaped chicken sandwiches and the obliteration of all curly fries. By playing these lesser known hits you will be able to remind yourself of your non-cybernetic and totally human emotions.

The Pullman-Goldblum Scenario: Large alien craft loom over all of our major cities causing daytime eclipses and a total shutdown of all television signals. Panic ensues in the streets as reality show results are unable to be broadcast to the public. After the looting, rioting, and destruction of human society calms down, tiny aliens emerge to take over our smoldering planet.

DLC to consider: “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel, “I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)” by Hall and Oates, “Love Is A Battlefield” by Pat Benatar

This mix of songs is all popular party hits from the '80s. Science has proven that aliens dislike great catchy songs from that decade and will leave our orbit as quickly as possibly once they hear the amazing synth keys and drum machine beats. It's like that old 1800s nautical rhyme goes: "Listen to Darryl, protect yourself from peril".

The Mayan Pugocalypse: As deciphered in the newly discovered Mayan Longer Calendar; pugs have exploded in popularity and infiltrates billions home homes around the world. This popularity was carefully orchestrated by a secret society named the Pug World Order or the PWO. Pugs are actually highly intelligent and certifiably well educated. Plotting for decades to chew us out of the food chain, these wrinkled geniuses will proceed to rebel against us humans and take over every branch of our government. As the new WPC regime governs the planet, humans are forced into caves and small houses in backyards worldwide like good boys/girls.

DLC to consider: “Walk” by the Foo Fighters, “Animal” by Def Leppard, and “Runaway” by Bon Jovi

These songs will be great to have on hand when the pug armies knock down the door to your bunker. Each one of these songs will remind them that they are just dogs and that we are awesome humans. We have opposable thumbs, the power of invention, and delicious liver treats.

The most important thing here is not to panic and focus on securing your Rock Band library. So if it’s a Pug in the White House (Pugsident? Snore-verlord? Prime Sniff-ister?) or the destruction of all baked potato bars at the hands of the WOPR, you need to focus on keeping a cool demeanor and your morale up. So grab your guitar and rack up those stars. Humanity will be depending on you for our survival.

But for now, we are safe. Every minute we have is a minute to spend playing Rock Band (or Blitz) and celebrating how freakin’ cool it is not being obliterated. So, Happy New Year, Rock Band Community. Keep those guitars overdriven and your stars golden in 2013.