Relationship Fun...

[TheKT]

I have a question for you... Ok; backround of the question; a guy and his steady, exclusive girlfriend or spouse went out to a dance club together and with a few friends. She's a little tipsey when you get there, and procedes to get f***ing anialated. The guy isn't feeling well, he wasn't all night, he just went because he knew she wanted to go. The girl takes all kinds of pics when she's drunk because, she's a girl, and that's what they do. So any way, the boyfrind/spouse, decides to go home, because the club isn't helping to alieviate his headache. He makes sure his girlfriend has a ride home with one of her girlfriends, goes home and goes to bed. The girlfrind gets home at 5 in the morning stumbling around, and somehow makes it into bed. The bf/spouse, gets up at around 10:30 and goes into the computer room to smoke and... see's her digital camera siting there, so as most people would do he fire's it up and procededs to check out all of the pics of the night before.

Ok here is the acual question, HAHA sorry it took so long, but you needed the back story. He sees a lot of pics of one guy in particular, some of just him, some of the girl and him. Then he happenes along a few cute pics of his gf/spouse kissing this particular guy. Now granted they are kisses on the cheek, but it is her kissing the other guy, not the other way around.

The boyfriend of course gets pissed, and wants to talk about it. The girlfriend is hungover and doesn't want to talk, but the guy finally gets her to talk. She says it's not a big deal, it was just drunk posing for pictures. And that the guy is totally overreacting, and basically acts as if she's done nothing wrong.

Oh and then the day after, the girlfriend gets a friend request from said guy, whom she had never met before that night.

Now is this a big deal? Does the boyfriend have a right to be upset about this. Who's right in this situation? Guys and girls please comment, and state if you are a man or a woman.
:cool:

[Manda]

I'd say he has a right to be upset. People can lose all inhibitions and reason when they're drunk, but that doesn't excuse everything a person does while innebriated. The killing point is that she's now contacting him while sober after flirting with him. Personally, I think flirting is harmless and I wouldn't consider it cheating, but when you make the effort to continue talking to a person you had drunken relations with, that's stepping over the line. I can see why the girl thinks it's okay, but I personally would never do anything like this myself. I know if I made contact with a guy I harmlessly flirted with and my fiance got upset, I would discontinue talking to that person. I expect my spouse to trust me, but at the same time I respect him and I know that if something makes him upset I shouldn't just do it anyway because "I don't see what the big deal is."

BTW I'm female =P

[Bakkster]

Even a simple apology from her and a bit of trust should be enough to defuse the situation. Contacting him the next day, though, is a big no-no.

[TheKT]

I agree that trust is important in a relationship, and he should trust her. But on the flipside, she should realize that even though it's not "a big deal" to her, that it is to him, and not contact him after the fact. Also, I'm sure it would be a bigger deal to her if the situation was reversed.

Oh and I'm a guy if you didn't get that from the OP.

[Eastwood]

For me, this would be a huge red flag. Depending on how long the relationship has been (in another post you stated a 10 year marriage) this could either be a sign of things to come or the surfacing of an old habit.

I, personally, would have been livid. I would have been so for two reasons: a.) she didn't do it while I was there, so she knew what she was doing and b.) she maintained contact, which voids the innocent flirting arguement.


Bakkster, that kind of thinking got me burned, bud. some women can lie a whole lot better than we can and are more than willing to take advantage of our trust. I carry a zero tolerance policy. I know it sounds assholish, but I let them know how I feel from the get go and let them know what I feel is acceptable and what isn't.

[topperharley]

The fact that she did that stuff after he had left (and not while he was still there), and the fact that it was with some guy she had never met before, is definitely not "no big deal" and is definitely not "innocent flirting". It also doesn't say much about her that she dragged him to a noisy club when he wasn't feeling well and stayed when he felt like going home. Call me old fashioned, but dancing with and kissing some dude you just met in a club while your boyfriend is home nursing a migraine is pretty ****ing disrespectful. I'd dump her.

Basically everything she did would have been a huge deal if the roles were reversed. Huge as in a week of cold showers and [edited for content].

[Bakkster]

Bakkster, that kind of thinking got me burned, bud. some women can lie a whole lot better than we can and are more than willing to take advantage of our trust. I carry a zero tolerance policy. I know it sounds assholish, but I let them know how I feel from the get go and let them know what I feel is acceptable and what isn't.

I think it depends on the person. If their first response wasn't to apologize, you are right: they don't care and will do it again. If it is, then things get more fuzzy. I'm not one to let alcohol be an excuse for anything anyone does. It would depend on how I felt about the person, and if I truly thought they would change. It would also kill my trust for them, even though they apologized. I'd need some kind of assurance this wouldn't happen again (not getting drunk at a club without me, for example) for me to give them another chance. Otherwise, they'd still probably get dumped.

And if she made contact, that's a pretty automatic dumping. I can see it the other way around:
"Oh, the stripper on my Facebook friends? I just motorboated in her DD cleavage, it's no big deal."
I don't think many girls would think that was "no big deal".

[IbanezBassist_v2]

Hell yeah you, oh, I mean he has a right to be upset. Ask that whore if you, oh, I mean him, would like to receive the same courtesy! **** no! Didn't think so.

Listen dude, if this is indeed your situation, get out! You are being gullible and manipulated in to believing it was innocent fun. **** to! Who knows what happened beyond the camera lens. 5 in the morning?! Unacceptable! She should be right by your side and you at hers.

People need their alone time and space. That is agreed. But this has got unfaithfulness all over it. Save yourself more heartache and bull**** and get out now! It only gets worse from here. Not only that but she'll use it against you to make herself feel better about being a whore. NOT GOOD DUDE!:mad:

[Eastwood]

Hell yeah you, oh, I mean he has a right to be upset. Ask that whore if you, oh, I mean him, would like to receive the same courtesy! **** no! Didn't think so.

Listen dude, if this is indeed your situation, get out! You are being gullible and manipulated in to believing it was innocent fun. **** to! Who knows what happened beyond the camera lens. 5 in the morning?! Unacceptable! She should be right by your side and you at hers.

People need their alone time and space. That is agreed. But this has got unfaithfulness all over it. Save yourself more heartache and bull**** and get out now! It only gets worse from here. Not only that but she'll use it against you to make herself feel better about being a whore. NOT GOOD DUDE!:mad:

Agreed on the 5 A.M. bit. Last call is @ 2 in Texas and the club is cleared out by bouncers ASAP. They herd you out like cattle in a hurry. Just food for thought... It is not like said girl can be asked, because she either "doesn't remember" or could just easily lie.

[IbanezBassist_v2]

Seriously! This has got bad news written all over it. To the OP, calmly and respectfully explain that you will not accept this type of behavior. Especially if you've been married for 10 years. Sometimes these things happen. When they do, your best bet is to move on. Take it from me, please.

You'll be glad you did. Don't let the lies and mistrust turn this into a nasty situation. For both parties involved, split up.:(

[tomahawk72]

I don't know where you live but I doubt the clubs close that late.....5 am!

I wouldn't put up with that and there would be no forgiving. She crossed the line more than once in one night.

[Atsumi]

I know I would never do that, because I know to me, it's wrong. And I would be upset if my boyfriend did it.

Let her know you don't like it. If it continues you may have to take the next step.

[IbanezBassist_v2]

Forget that. This is one of those instances that does not involve a second chance. The damage has been done. Don't let it happen again brother!

[Eastwood]

Especially in this world. There is so much you can catch out there. One incident of cheating can affect well beyond the break up or divorce. That is why cheating is so dangerous. All it takes is one night to ruin your life and health.

[Quastor]

I think taking advice from people on the internet is a bad idea.

No one understand the extent of the relationship, the personalities of both people involved, etc. You said that the couple met friends at the club? Anyone there that the male knows well enough to try to get another view of the story?

It's a tough situation, no doubt.

[Hypnoz]

I'm almost in agreement with the people who say dump her.

I'd demand to know why she come home at 5am and why she didn't do these types of pictures when the bf was there. And i'd make sure to confirm the alabi story. I hate to be cynical, but she probably went back with that guy to his place. She obviously has no respect for her significant other and is selfish. Personally, I would dump her and move on and not even ask about all this. I wouldn't want to know. There's plenty of fish in the sea.

[toefer]

Just to throw in my own comments.

At first when I read it, I thought "whatever, not a big deal" because really, look who she came home to, and that's what mattered. It's not like she was half naked, with her legs wrapped around this guy's neck.

But then I realized, well, I only think that way because I'm not the one in that situation. If I were in your position, I would be pretty mad about it, and feel justified confronting her about it. As a guy, I know how guys act, and if you're at a club (as a guy) and some girl is sitting/leaning on you, and planting one on your cheek, I think you start to have ideas of where things can go. And knowing some guy ever had those thoughts cross his mind about my girlfriend/spouse/mistress, is enough to drive me crazy. And I'm a calm guy.

[battle_axe_of_doom]

i wouldn't exactly trust a broad who's out drinking at 5 am anyway rofl

[tomahawk72]

i wouldn't exactly trust a broad who's out drinking at 5 am anyway rofl

+1

(then character minimum)

[rebonez]

not trying to steal your thunder here but im almost in the same situation only vice versa, ok i work 2nd shift (the relationship killer) i've recently met a woman and we've been talking, got invited for a few drinks Friday night (tonight) and we've been talking via text messages as well....I wake up this morning to my gf saying "who's so and so..." then before she lets me give her and answer after jumping straight out of bed from a dead sleep..she storms off in my car and roasts the tires...then i get a text from her saying something of the sorts i can't believe you would screw around on me...i'm not seeing how a text message is considered cheating but yet there is a 14 year age differece between the 2 of us.

[TheKT]

not trying to steal your thunder here but im almost in the same situation only vice versa, ok i work 2nd shift (the relationship killer) i've recently met a woman and we've been talking, got invited for a few drinks Friday night (tonight) and we've been talking via text messages as well....I wake up this morning to my gf saying "who's so and so..." then before she lets me give her and answer after jumping straight out of bed from a dead sleep..she storms off in my car and roasts the tires...then i get a text from her saying something of the sorts i can't believe you would screw around on me...i'm not seeing how a text message is considered cheating but yet there is a 14 year age differece between the 2 of us.

Who's the older of the two? I'm 10 years her junior. And I havn't been married for 10 years, I've been married for two months, someone responded to my other post and said they had been married for 10 years. And as I stated in my other post, I moved in with her. It's about 2-3 hours away from where I am from. So the people we went out with are her friends, my aquaintences. So the aliby would be tainted if she did actually do anything wrong. And I don't think she shacked up with the guy, because if she did, as drunk as she was she wouldn't have gotten home till the next day sometime. And last call is 3 am on friday here, and her friends always go to the Waffle/Huddle House after drinking. So the 5 am thing wasn't that much of a big deal to me, it was just the kissing, and I almost got over that, that is until she accepted his friend request on myspace.

If she was just my girlfriend I probably would have dumped her right there on the spot. But we're married, and I made a commitment. That and I'm 23 years old, and have already been married and divorced before (she cheated on me, which is what makes this so hard). I mean what the f*** would it say about me if I had two failed marriges before I was 24 years old?

[rebonez]

she's the older one im 28 and she's 43. We currently live together and i can't keep from thinking of the stuff that she can't give me like me wanting to have another child in the near future, I love her but this age difference is coming into play now a few years ago it didn't matter. Currently we've been having some heated text messages back and forth and im near the conclusion to taking a few days and getting my head straight to find out what i really want more.

[FallenAce]

What would it say about you if you have 2 failed marriages? It says you are bad at picking a mate! That's all. I've had the same problem. 26 y/o and divorced. It's tough, but you just need to learn with whom you are and are not compatible.

[stink9025]

How would have she reacted if the roles were reversed? If she would have said "no big deal, I trust you" then in my experience your relationship is fine. I've found that usually the people who are the least trusting, usually have some sort of subconcious(sp) reason to be untrusting; I.E. they feel that they themselves are untrustworthy, therefore others must be untrustworthy as well.

[IbanezBassist_v2]

not trying to steal your thunder here but im almost in the same situation only vice versa, ok i work 2nd shift (the relationship killer) i've recently met a woman and we've been talking, got invited for a few drinks Friday night (tonight) and we've been talking via text messages as well....I wake up this morning to my gf saying "who's so and so..." then before she lets me give her and answer after jumping straight out of bed from a dead sleep..she storms off in my car and roasts the tires...then i get a text from her saying something of the sorts i can't believe you would screw around on me...i'm not seeing how a text message is considered cheating but yet there is a 14 year age differece between the 2 of us.


Dude. You have the intentions. Thats all I am gonna say.

[IbanezBassist_v2]

If she was just my girlfriend I probably would have dumped her right there on the spot. But we're married, and I made a commitment. That and I'm 23 years old, and have already been married and divorced before (she cheated on me, which is what makes this so hard). I mean what the f*** would it say about me if I had two failed marriages before I was 24 years old?


Well... What does it say about you that you've already been married twice before 24. Stupid!

If you've only been married two ****ing months and this **** is already happening, then god have mercy on you. You are letting your judgment being clouded by new puppy love.

Its your decision. I'm not going to offer anymore advice. I'll watch and see where this goes. Good luck man. And make sure you wrap that **** from now on out.

[Quastor]

If she was just my girlfriend I probably would have dumped her right there on the spot. But we're married, and I made a commitment. That and I'm 23 years old, and have already been married and divorced before (she cheated on me, which is what makes this so hard). I mean what the f*** would it say about me if I had two failed marriges before I was 24 years old?

Have you explained to her this? That you've been cheated on before, and while you want to trust her, there's an unavoidable fear in the back of your mind of it happening again. If she can't understand this, or continues to act like it's no big deal, I think you guys are going to have a lot more problems down the road.

[Eastwood]

Have you explained to her this? That you've been cheated on before, and while you want to trust her, there's an unavoidable fear in the back of your mind of it happening again. If she can't understand this, or continues to act like it's no big deal, I think you guys are going to have a lot more problems down the road.

Exactly. If she is acting completely defensive about it and not showing any concern about how you may be feeling about this then she might not really care at all. If she is too busy defending herself and not busy enough trying to resolve this (i.e. Deleting him from myspace and assuring you that it wont happen again) then she is selfish to the point where you will seriously get burned in the long run. I also agree with Q's previous post that this matter should be presented to people closer to you than some anonymous strangers on the internet. Maybe even marital counseling. The best idea is to go to the first session by yourself, explain the situation, and then bring her the next round for mediation.

[Hockeywall]

The being drunk excuse is BS in my personal opinion. When i am drunk i still know exactly what is going on and remember everything.

[GattzDaBerzerk]

The being drunk excuse is BS in my personal opinion. When i am drunk i still know exactly what is going on and remember everything.

Just means you aren't drinking enough :P
no seriously though, this is a tough situation. To me marriage is a sacred union that should never be severed, except in the case of sexual immorality (cheating). There is no evidence of this though, but the intentions are certainly there. I think the counseling thing is a good idea, just so u can get your thoughts and feelings out there. Sometimes communications break down in relationships, and this little fiasco is a perfect example of what miscommunication can do to a relationship.

I'm a guy, and 24 yrs old. And yes i think it would b a big deal...it's just sad that this kinda stuff is so common these days:(

[TheKT]

I think taking advice from people on the internet is a bad idea.

No one understand the extent of the relationship, the personalities of both people involved, etc. You said that the couple met friends at the club? Anyone there that the male knows well enough to try to get another view of the story?

It's a tough situation, no doubt.



I wasn't planing on taking the advice on here as gospel, although I did get some very good advice that I have since used. I just wanted to see if people thought I was overreacting. I thought I might have been taking past issues(ex-wife) and puting them in to my current situation, and I wanted to see if guys and gals opinions differed on this subject. But thank you all for you words of wisdom, and I really mean that.

Ok new question...
Would you cheat on this guy?
http://i213.photobucket.com/albums/cc185/TheKT84/l_fc320cca0b03bf91d5cee20dcf22530d.jpg
HAHA j/k

[StiffEdub]

You'll have to trust each other....

Let's put it this way....If you landed in a Mexican Prison....Would she fly down and b*&! the warden to get you out? IF no move on....Heck did she even pass the "Car Door" test?

Most people have an issue with possessiveness, just because you are exclusive doesn't mean she cannot make new friends. But again see above....

In the end remember this....If she cheated on you once, what is stopping her from cheating again? = NOTHING

If you found pic's on her camera NBD....But out till 5? Did her arranged ride take bring her home or was it with someone else? If someone else = SUSPECT.

Remember this is USA...You are innocent until proven guilty. You can either be paranoid and self destruct and cause additional destruction....Or roll with it, and if she chooses otherwise, but still wants to come back See my comments above.

Or you can be sneaky, accept the friends then text the requester a MSG about what a great time you had....Then check the response....;)

[Bakkster]

You'll have to trust each other....

Or you can be sneaky, accept the friends then text the requester a MSG about what a great time you had....Then check the response....;)

If you need to go behind their back to check their story, there's no trust and you're probably already hosed.

[KraZygiRl]

You know what … I’m gonna have to agree with what everyone is saying. I would like to give people the benefit of the dough. But face it ….. either something happened or is going on with someone else. Take it from me ….. you don’t wanna get hurt …. IT SUX!!!! She is being shady and yea, should have gone home with you if you weren’t feeling well. I just think she took that opportunity to get a little something something in hopes that you would never know.

Ooh yeah ….. I’m a girl BTW

[MrE]

Now is this a big deal? Does the boyfriend have a right to be upset about this. Who's right in this situation? Guys and girls please comment, and state if you are a man or a woman.
:cool:

It's not a big deal if you are allowed to do it too ;)

Girls don't always see things from our point-of-view. Sometimes you just gotta make them see it :D

[IbanezBassist_v2]

Ooh yeah ….. I’m a girl BTW

Really? I wonder what would have given that away?

[switchdoc]

As many others have said, this is a pretty large red flag. My experience with girls who did this to me in the past (and I was kind enough to overlook it) is they are going to leave when something more interesting comes along.

Maybe you forgive and forget once, but if it happens again I'd get the heck outta there. I sure hope things work out for you, either way.

-Switch

[Thrashdragon]

It also doesn't say much about her that she dragged him to a noisy club when he wasn't feeling well and stayed when he felt like going home. Call me old fashioned, but dancing with and kissing some dude you just met in a club while your boyfriend is home nursing a migraine is pretty ****ing disrespectful. I'd dump her.

Completely nailed it right there. Migraine or not, her crap would've been boxed up on the front lawn when she got home. You don't treat someone you supposedly care about like that...you drive them home, put them in bed, and then go quietly read a book or something nearby in case they need you. Staying at the club while your significant other goes home sick is BS. Especially with a migraine...I get them too, and having to worry about whether my wife is boinking some other guy would not help.

If she's not cheating on you yet, she will be. Especially if you keep wearing that hat in public. ;)

[IbanezBassist_v2]

If she's not cheating on you yet, she will be. Especially if you keep wearing that hat in public. ;)

Word yo! WORD!

[SilentCapybara]

One piece of advice. Don't get hammered, and then procede to allow your gf to have a camera out while in such a state. You're jsut asking for something to go wrong.

[DoctorWho]

If you've been with her a while, you should know her pretty well by now.

So then answer this question which should determine your next course of action:

What would she have done in this situation?

Would she have boxed up all of your stuff and leave it in the frontyard? Would she break up with you?

Double standards ruin relationships. Once again, it all comes back to trust. I REALLY don't understand why women play these games...

Someone come up with a relationship video game where they can do this crap to virtual morons, not good people that don't deserve it!

[Bakkster]

Someone come up with a relationship video game where they can do this crap to virtual morons, not good people that don't deserve it!

It's called the Sims...

[Eastwood]

It's called the Sims...

I slept with a lot of chicks in the Sims. In Sims 2, you can actually knock someone up. It is great.

[Bakkster]

I slept with a lot of chicks in the Sims. In Sims 2, you can actually knock someone up. It is great.

Unplanned pregnancies and bodily functions have never been so fun!

[McDeezy]

For me, this would be a huge red flag. Depending on how long the relationship has been (in another post you stated a 10 year marriage) this could either be a sign of things to come or the surfacing of an old habit.

I, personally, would have been livid. I would have been so for two reasons: a.) she didn't do it while I was there, so she knew what she was doing and b.) she maintained contact, which voids the innocent flirting arguement.


Bakkster, that kind of thinking got me burned, bud. some women can lie a whole lot better than we can and are more than willing to take advantage of our trust. I carry a zero tolerance policy. I know it sounds assholish, but I let them know how I feel from the get go and let them know what I feel is acceptable and what isn't.

Amazing. I agree 100%

[sushi111]

Just do what I do:

http://www.clewis7951.com/Photography/Motivation/backhand.jpg