When the girlfriend starts throwing around 'Marriage'

[arnie335]

Im going crazy here. I love my girlfriend to death (we've been together only 1 year) and she's already talking about who we will be inviting, what colors and all that crap! Im in no position to get married right now, and though I tell her and she knows this, she is indirectly trying to force it on me!! I dont wanna leave her, but I dont wanna get married either (at this time)

to all my brothers in the same boat, any advice?

[Eastwood]

run tooo the hillllls.... run for your liiiiiife. :D

Establish the boundary now, before you let her get her hopes up too much. The more she plans, the more disappointed she will be when your feelings about it come out (experience talking)

[Lucent Beam]

Tell her that a 1 year isn't enough for you to get serious like that yet. Tell her now rather than wait and have it be more dramatic.
Also, girls just like to talk about all that stuff, so maybe it's just talk.

[vtjustinb]

It's every girls' fantasy and instead of being unnerved by it you should be flattered--at least she considers you marriage material.

Really it's just benign talk unless she starts pressuring you, or being passive-aggressive about it ("boy I wish someone would propose to me, etc. etc.). At that point you just have to hold firm that you're not ready yet, but if you're honest with yourself why aren't you having similar feelings with her?

I mean I know you're not ready for marriage, but if you can't entertain the idea with her and your first impulse is to dump her that might be indicative of larger problems.

[rgaino]

Before I got married we lived together for 3 years. Before moving together she was my girlfriend for 3 years.

Do not rush into anything. It might work out of course but you will not regret doing the test drive first.

And make sure she supports your video game addiction.

[Lucent Beam]

And make sure she supports your video game addiction.


Most important part, haha.

[arnie335]

run tooo the hillllls.... run for your liiiiiife. :D

Establish the boundary now, before you let her get her hopes up too much. The more she plans, the more disappointed she will be when your feelings about it come out (experience talking)

Eastwood,

Thanks for the advice. I'm gonna see her at lunch and try to tell her. How do I go about it without hurting her feelings? She is the most sensitive thing out there.. and I hate to see her sad, ya know?

[Lucent Beam]

You can put a positive spin on it.. like "I really like what we have between us and I'd like for that to grow more before we talk seriously about getting married. I really think we have something special so let's not rush anything" etc etc.

[Quastor]

It's every girls' fantasy and instead of being unnerved by it you should be flattered--at least she considers you marriage material.

Really it's just benign talk unless she starts pressuring you, or being passive-aggressive about it ("boy I wish someone would propose to me, etc. etc.). At that point you just have to hold firm that you're not ready yet, but if you're honest with yourself why aren't you having similar feelings with her?

I mean I know you're not ready for marriage, but if you can't entertain the idea with her and your first impulse is to dump her that might be indicative of larger problems.

This.

It's one thing if she's just thinking and discussing the details in passing conversation. There's nothing to get freaked out over. Like vtjustinb said, girls think about these things and she's trying to connect and get closer to you by sharing this stuff with you.

Now, if she goes out one day and just buys a wedding dress or books a reception hall, ok, freak out a bit.

[Eastwood]

Eastwood,

Thanks for the advice. I'm gonna see her at lunch and try to tell her. How do I go about it without hurting her feelings? She is the most sensitive thing out there.. and I hate to see her sad, ya know?

You don't have to bring it up to her if she is talking about it as much as you say she is. She will bring it up for you. In the event that it doesn't come up today, just tell her that you think that ya'll should take it one day at a time and that thinking that big so soon is bound to put unneeded pressure on the situation. Ya'll have only been together for a year, ya'll should be having fun! bringing up major life changes will only create insane expectations. Will she be hurt? Maybe. Be sure to let her know that you still love her and that marriage is most def. an option down the road but you just want to focus on having a blast with her with as little stress as possible.

[arnie335]

It's every girls' fantasy and instead of being unnerved by it you should be flattered--at least she considers you marriage material.

Really it's just benign talk unless she starts pressuring you, or being passive-aggressive about it ("boy I wish someone would propose to me, etc. etc.). At that point you just have to hold firm that you're not ready yet, but if you're honest with yourself why aren't you having similar feelings with her?

I mean I know you're not ready for marriage, but if you can't entertain the idea with her and your first impulse is to dump her that might be indicative of larger problems.


You are absolutely right. The feelings arent mutual in that aspect. She will say things like "Oh, that pink is my favorite color.. thats whats going to be on the wedding cake, ok honey?"

I know what I have to do, I just have to stop being a girly-man and lay the law down.

Thanks guys..

[FultonPub]

Im going crazy here. I love my girlfriend to death (we've been together only 1 year) and she's already talking about who we will be inviting, what colors and all that crap! Im in no position to get married right now, and though I tell her and she knows this, she is indirectly trying to force it on me!! I dont wanna leave her, but I dont wanna get married either (at this time)

to all my brothers in the same boat, any advice?

Go out to a bar and gaffe a random chick. It will make you feel better.

[Bakkster]

You are absolutely right. The feelings arent mutual in that aspect. She will say things like "Oh, that pink is my favorite color.. thats whats going to be on the wedding cake, ok honey?"

To be fair to her, though, most girls seem to have that kind of stuff already planned before they even meet you. If that's as serious as it is, she probably just means that's what she wants for her wedding cake, whether you're the groom or not. Is she pointing out things that are specific to you as a couple? That's when you can tell she's starting to think about the two of you getting married.

I don't think it's necessarily something to panic about either. Just let her know that you're not ready yet: not because you don't love her, but because you're just not ready to take that step. I agree with the statement until she starts being passive aggressive about it, you don't really have much to worry about.

[Kess]

Girls are like that. Actually, insecure girls are more often like that. In your girlfriend's case, I believe it's her way of reaffirming your commitment to her without actually having to talk about it directly. She’s testing you in a passive aggressive way because that’s what feels safe to her. Talking about marriage with you directly is too risky, as direct talks so far have only lead to you not living up to her hopes of you. She see things like, "I'm not ready" or "Let’s just keep things like this for a while longer" as indications of doubt in the relationship. And doubt's no good to her.

The trick is to find other ways of confirming your love and commitment to her, other than committing to marriage, in this game she’s playing with you. Here's the secret: The number one thing that a girl wants, over all material things, is attention. Try giving her a little more of that, to start with. Include her in things you do with your friends. Plan special dinners. Make something for her. (They especially love that.) As for the marriage part, just remember no one can ever force you into it. She might continue to be sneaky about the matter, she might even break down and cry eventually, but it doesn't in any way mean you have to comply to what she wants. At least not until you're ready. Remember, while you were lighting G.I. Joes on fire in your back yard when you were 8, girls were playing house, playing mommy, playing wife, when they were 2. From baby dolls, to Barbies, this idea of family is influenced upon them at a very early age. For us guys, though, we were more programmed to go outside and mess around with our buddies. It often takes us a little longer to catch up to a girl’s idea of life, maturity-wise, and emotionally.

Of course, this could be seem as highly stereotyped, but even in stereotypes, there is often basic truths lying underneath. Understand that, and you’ll maybe understand your girlfriend a little better. Again, just remember, you are in control of your life. Try finding something to replace marriage. The next time she says something like, “I think my bridesmaid’s dresses should be navy blue,” say something like, “Hey, I’ve been thinking that I’d like to travel the world with you before we start putting money aside for a wedding..” Or, “before we get married I’d like to be more secure at my work so I can afford a down payment on a house for us.” Whatever you think of, it’s only important that you include her in these kinds of long-ranged plans. Traveling is especially effective for a couple reasons: One, it’s something very cool to do together, and it’s also a VERY good test of a relationship. If you can survive a month in China together, you can survive anything!

Hope that helps. Yeah, I was a little bored, so I kinda just went with it. :p

[Damaged]

You're a dude asking for relationship advice on a video game message board. :confused: A message board for a game where people play pretend instruments.:confused: My advice is that you marry her as it may be your only shot at actually seeing female genetalia.:p:)

[Eastwood]

You're a dude asking for relationship advice on a video game message board. :confused: A message board for a game where people play pretend instruments.:confused: My advice is that you marry her as it may be your only shot at actually seeing female genetalia.:p

You do realize that some of these forum members that "pretend to play instruments" are either married and have children or are musicians that pull a lot of tail, right?:D

[arnie335]

You do realize that some of these forum members that "pretend to play instruments" are either married and have children or are musicians that pull a lot of tail, right?:D

Exactly. Ive been a REAL drummer for 15 years. And I can PROMISE you that the ladies LOVE DRUMMERS! I happen to be lucky and blessed with amazing looks ;)

www.myspace.com/arniee

www.myspace.com/jonnieandtheaftermath


proof for the non_believers - add me if you'd like to see my profile.


Thank you all for your helpful advice.

[Damaged]

You do realize that some of these forum members that "pretend to play instruments" are either married and have children or are musicians that pull a lot of tail, right?:D

Yes of course. Heck, I'm married myself, but this isn't the first place I would go looking for advice.;) Maybe I'm just the only one that sees the humor in it.:D

[Eastwood]

If he was looking for sincere advice, yes... I think he had already decided what he was going to do and just needed to hear it from someone else or have ideas bounced off him to justify his own decision.

[luminary pants]

It's at least a starting place if nothing else.
Where else would you really go for this advice online? If it was really that big of a concern he could talk to someone in real life that could help. But for just general advice, maybe from people who have experienced the same thing, no forum is really going to be better then another. Not to mention there are a lot more mature posters here(at least in the general area) then most forums I have been a part of.

How old are you by the way?

[tomahawk72]

1 year is NOT enough dude. My wife and I lived together for 5 or 6 years before we got married. I was 29 when I got married and we had our first kid. Now I'm 35 with a beautiful 6 and 4 year old.

There are quite a few people I work with that are in their late 20's and early 30's that are on their 2nd marriage already. They jump into this marriage thing too quickly. And now they're paying for it.

[RavagerX]

You could be like me and only have relationships for 3 months at the most. No worries about marriage then, lol.

Wait...oops. I have had a 2 year relationship before.

Err anyway, the above poster is right. Several ppl I know couldn't WAIT to get marrried, now they are divorced or miserable.

one guy is only a year older than me and was married since 20 I believe.

Divorced this year....wife cheated.

Another couple(both insanely stupid)the girl is underage..yet somehow she is married to a guy a year younger than me. They have two kids together.

It's a sad sight to see cause you know those kids are going to be brought up badly. The guy is more worried about parties than anything else. The girl cant wait to be old enough to go to clubs legally.

ITS TO LATE FOR THAT STUFF NOW...YOU HAVE YOUNG KIDS!!!!! NOT EVEN 3 $#(*ing YEARS OLD!!!!

They have already had one almost taken away....pathetic sight they are. I am sorry I seem so upset...but this really pisses me off.

[topperharley]

Next time she brings up the subject, say "Marriage?! Why should I buy the cow when the milk is free?"

You won't ever have to hear her talk about marriage again. Of course, you'll be looking for a new girlfriend, but focus on the positive.

Seriously, as the above posters have mentioned, it all depends on the context. Girls think about marriage and their wedding waaay more than guys do. At the same time, if it comes up a lot, or too seriously, she may be taking things too fast.

[loweredd]

1 year is NOT enough dude. My wife and I lived together for 5 or 6 years before we got married. I was 29 when I got married and we had our first kid. Now I'm 35 with a beautiful 6 and 4 year old.

There are quite a few people I work with that are in their late 20's and early 30's that are on their 2nd marriage already. They jump into this marriage thing too quickly. And now they're paying for it.


Why can't one year be enough? My wife and I dated for about 1 year before we were married. I was 19, and she was 20. That was also 9 years ago. We have a 4 year old boy now too. There's no reason it can't work. You can wait until you are 65 to get married, and you are still going to have conflict no matter what. You are 2 different people living together. There is no way around that fact. Most people these days get mad, and then just get divorced instead of working out a problem.

I don't know if I understand the original question......are you asking how to get out of getting married, or just want to know what to do if she says "marriage"? What happened right before she made one of her comments the very first time? What have you said about the whole idea, ever? Did she just start talking about it one day out of the blue, or did you see something on TV, or go to a friends' wedding???

[lithiumkc]

Ahhhh... I remember that one well. My first serious girlfriend, she had to move out of her house and after about 4 or 5 months decided to move in with me... Well.. She was all about the marriage and kids too, but after living together for a few months I knew she wasn't right for me.

So try living together honestly for a while before making decisions. Biggest mistake you could ever make is date a girl, marry her, THEN move in. Because you might find you don't even know her.

[Eastwood]

^exactly. I am learning a lot about my g/f now that she lives with me.

welcome back lithium

[King_Nuthin]

Tell her traditional weddings and pink cakes are nice but when you get married it will be in Las Vegas by Elvis.

[Eman311]

How old are you?

I've been with my g/f since I was 16, 3 years going on 4 now.

[DoctorWho]

No matter how you say it I honestly think she's going to be hurt by what you say.

The best thing you can do is to tell her how much you love and care for her (if that statement is true) and tell her how you feel.

Just don't pull the crap most women do... "I do love you, I just don't think I'm IN love with you."

[tomahawk72]

Why can't one year be enough? My wife and I dated for about 1 year before we were married. I was 19, and she was 20. That was also 9 years ago. We have a 4 year old boy now too. There's no reason it can't work. You can wait until you are 65 to get married, and you are still going to have conflict no matter what. You are 2 different people living together. There is no way around that fact. Most people these days get mad, and then just get divorced instead of working out a problem.

I don't know if I understand the original question......are you asking how to get out of getting married, or just want to know what to do if she says "marriage"? What happened right before she made one of her comments the very first time? What have you said about the whole idea, ever? Did she just start talking about it one day out of the blue, or did you see something on TV, or go to a friends' wedding???


I believe your an exception to the norm. I just feel 1 year isn't enough. I also feel that during your early to mid 20's you should live life to the fullest, party a lot and stay out late, etc. You can't do that when you have little kids at home.

[Amy329]

Coming from a females point of view.....just tell her how you feel. If she was truly in love with you she will wait until the time was right. No need to rush into things. I definitely think that it is very important to live with the person before you get married. You see their true colors when you live together. I hate how people get married and divorced like its nothing nowadays. I am sorry but I want to do it right the first time. My fiance and I have been together for 6 years since we were 16 years old and have lived together for almost 4 years. We didn't get engaged till last year. I just think good things come for those who wait.