The Thread of Jokes

[DrumStix]

I found this. (http://www.jokesgalore.com/thejoke.php?id=19531&sql=cat%3D%27Miscellaneous%27+and&flag=2)

Does anyone think that this page is funny?
It's a list of things that have confused mankind.

WARNING : If you're offended by such humor, do not continue to read the list in the link.

Other than that, does anyone have any funny jokes that they made up or found? If you do, post them.

Sorry, if this thread isn't appropiate or necessary.

[supernova1324]

A priest, a monk, and a rabbi are discussing how they divide church donations between them and the church. The priest says, "I draw a circle on the ground and throw all the money into the air. Whatever falls in the circle goes to the church, whatever lands outside I keep."

Then the monk says, "I draw a line on the ground and throw all the money up in the air. Watever lands on the left goes to the church, whatever lands on the right I keep."

Then the rabbi says, "I throw all the money up into the air and whatever money god wants he keeps and whatever lands on the ground I keep."

[DrumStix]

A priest, a monk, and a rabbi are discussing how they divide church donations between them and the church. The priest says, "I draw a circle on the ground and throw all the money into the air. Whatever falls in the circle goes to the church, whatever lands outside I keep."

Then the monk says, "I draw a line on the ground and throw all the money up in the air. Watever lands on the left goes to the church, whatever lands on the right I keep."

Then the rabbi says, "I throw all the money up into the air and whatever money god wants he keeps and whatever lands on the ground I keep."


Hahahahaha, that was hilarious! :D:D:D:D

[monkeyfish]

This is meant to be spoken, but oh well.

Little Boy Blue. He needed the money! (Cue Andrew Dice Clay "Oh!")

[jonoo24]

http://humon.deviantart.com/art/Healthcare-134934381

[DrumStix]

This is meant to be spoken, but oh well.

Little Boy Blue. He needed the money! (Cue Andrew Dice Clay "Oh!")

Still funny.

I made up a KKJ (Knock-Knock Joke)...

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
I'm a pile-up.
I'm a pile-up who?

No, you're not. Don't beat yourself up pal! :o

[BevoTheWarrior]

Two guys walk into a bar - third guy ducks. :D

[tridentgum0]

What's the difference between a car full of Michigan fans and a porcupine?

A porcupine has pr*cks on the OUTSIDE.

[supernova1324]

Jewish Dilemma: Ham 50% off

[Joey-Z]

Knock
Knock

Who's there?

Helen Keller.

Helen Keller who?

*Silence*

[monkeyfish]

A blond on trial agrees to a lie detector test. The engineer is calibrating the machine and gives her a simple question.

"Have you ever been to a carnival?" he asks.

"I think-" she begins, and the lie detector explodes.

[DrumStix]

What's the difference between a car full of Michigan fans and a porcupine?

A porcupine has pr*cks on the OUTSIDE.

MBUBhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahhaa!


LOLLOLOL.

[supernova1324]

A blond on trial agrees to a lie detector test. The engineer is calibrating the machine and gives her a simple question.

"Have you ever been to a carnival?" he asks.

"I think-" she begins, and the lie detector explodes.

Why did the blonde secretary get fired?

For using white-out on the computer screen.

[monkeyfish]

Why did the blonde secretary get fired?

For using white-out on the computer screen.

Why do blonds wear their hair up?

To catch everything that goes over their heads.

[Joey-Z]

Why do blonds wear their hair up?

To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Made my day. :D

[supernova1324]

Why do blonds wear their hair up?

To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Sweet, I haven't heard that one before. I'll have to tell my teacher about that.

Why did the blonde have to be recued from the pool?

Someone put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

[monkeyfish]

Sweet, I haven't heard that one before. I'll have to tell my teacher about that.

Why did the blonde have to be recued from the pool?

Someone put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Why can't a blond dial 911?

She can't find the eleven.

[BallisticJunkfood]

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your a**?

Vocabulary Fail.

Hemisphere: One half of a sphere, or in this case, the Earth

I believe they were thinking of atmosphere.

[Abeotroid]

Harmonization of Taxes in Ontario.

At least I hope it's a joke :[

[HeavyMetalKing]

I can't take credit for this joke, as I found it on lamebook.com, but I'll share it anyway. This is not necessarily verbatim:

Girl: Why is it that when a guy sleeps with a lot of girls he's "the man" but when a girl sleeps with a lot of guys she's considered a slut and a whore? Is society sexist?

Guy: Well think of it this way: if a key opens many locks it's considered a master key, and generally a good thing to have. If a lock is opened by many keys...well, I'd call that a pretty sh*tty lock.

[RidethePiggy]

I can't take credit for this joke, as I found it on lamebook.com, but I'll share it anyway. This is not necessarily verbatim:

Girl: Why is it that when a guy sleeps with a lot of girls he's "the man" but when a girl sleeps with a lot of guys she's considered a slut and a whore? Is society sexist?

Guy: Well think of it this way: if a key opens many locks it's considered a master key, and generally a good thing to have. If a lock is opened by many keys...well, I'd call that a pretty sh*tty lock.

That's probably the greatest lamebook entry ever and should be shared as much as possible.

[tridentgum0]

I've told this joke to a few forum regulars, but I'll post it here.

What do you call an attractive woman in Alabama?

A tourist.

[bood-boy]

A priest, a monk, and a rabbi are discussing how they divide church donations between them and the church. The priest says, "I draw a circle on the ground and throw all the money into the air. Whatever falls in the circle goes to the church, whatever lands outside I keep."

Then the monk says, "I draw a line on the ground and throw all the money up in the air. Watever lands on the left goes to the church, whatever lands on the right I keep."

Then the rabbi says, "I throw all the money up into the air and whatever money god wants he keeps and whatever lands on the ground I keep."



racist and reported.

[IErrantVentureI]

Racist? I thought racist jokes had to do with... well... race?

[monkeyfish]

I've told this joke to a few forum regulars, but I'll post it here.

What do you call an attractive woman in Alabama?

A tourist.

How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama?

Because it's not called the teethbrush.

[overdriveguitarman]

How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama?

Because it's not called the teethbrush.

haha oh my gosh I laughed in real life I have never heard that before thanks! :)

[monkeyfish]

Most of the jokes I know are either really bad or not suitable for posting. :(

Where does virgin wool come from?

Ugly sheep.

[psychoman]

I did enjoy this one, years ago.

http://www.pinetree.net/humor/thermodynamics.html

[jonoo24]

I originally heard it where the girl says she would call out to god before she slept with him, and since she was saying "oh god" last night, we must conclude option 1

[Rockbandfan23467]

When Warron Zevon died, he found himself in Rock and Roll Heaven. While there, he saw The 27 Club, Bon Scott, Freddie Mercury, Bonzo, Lennon, Harrison, The Real Paul McCartney, etc. Then all of a sudden, he sees Bono. So he asks St. Peter "I thought Bono was alive, why is he here?" St. Peter replies:
"That's God....He just thinks he's Bono."

A little boy and his father have this conversation:
"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son, God is both"
"Daddy, is God Black or White?"
Both son, God is both."
"Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"


Why was the airhead staring at the orange juice container??
Because the carton said "CONCENTRATE" on it

[back_blows]

Your jokes stink, Robafa.

[Lameboy19]

A lion would never cheat, but a tiger wood

[fuselage321]

Two peanuts were walking down the road. One was asalted.

[Starfleet_Rambo]

What group activity do only 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

G**g r**e.

[monkeyfish]

Why do brunettes know so many blond jokes?

To have something to do on Saturday night.

[Starfleet_Rambo]

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a GoodYear and the other's a great year!

Thanks to Jim the Budweiser rep at my grocery store for those jokes.

[jonoo24]

If you force sex upon a prostitute, is it rape...

Or SHOPLIFTING?

[HeavyMetalKing]

Not a joke but still funny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5Faae5MZzU

[monkeyfish]

Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the Vatican. After a while, the first nun turns to her friend and says, "I never came this way before."

"Me neither," says the second nun. "I think it's the cobblestones."

[CyanFunk]

What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

[tridentgum0]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks,"Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," says the second.

Curious the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."

"Of course." The second man can't help himself so he asks,

"What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62"

"This is becoming unbelievable!" they say in union.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[_weeheehoo_]

I've got a few corny ones.

Did you hear about the two T.V. antennae that got married? The wedding wasn't much but the reception was excellent.



A pirate with a steering wheel shoved down his pants walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he can have a drink.

The bartender says "Sure, but you know you have a steering wheel down your pants, right?"

And the pirate says "Arrgh, it's drivin' me nuts!"

[Joey-Z]

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?


'What's brown on the outside, white on the inside, has eyes but can't see?'
'A potato!'
'No, it's Ray Charles!'

[Young Bloodlust]

The longest joke... IN THE WORLD! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qtw_heO3svs)

Lost In The Desert (http://edge.i-hacked.com/so-theres-a-man-crawling-through-the-desert)

[Mutley93]

I heard a pretty sexist one today...

Why can't women ski?
Because theres no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen

[Joey-Z]

I heard a pretty sexist one today...

Why can't women ski?
Because theres no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?

Hand her a shovel.

[TheNew]

Your Mother

[Mega-Tallica]

I'm afraid to post any jokes I know because most are extremely racist or sexist.

[monkeyfish]

I'm afraid to post any jokes I know because most are extremely racist or sexist.

Go ahead! They're jokes, nobody will take them seriously. ;)


A man thinks he may be depressed, and decides to visit a psychiatrist.

After laying on the couch and spilling out his life story, the psychiatrist stands up and says, "You appear to be suffering from low self-esteem."

"Oh," the man says, dejected.

"Don't worry," the psychiatrist assures him, "it's very common among losers like you."