Feel Like Tearing Apart Someone Else's Creativity? Come Here!

[animemetalhead]

So, I'm working on my first (almost) good song for the Rock Band Network, and as of about an hour ago, it was an instrumental. Now I have a rough draft of some lyrics and I thought the wonderful posters on the Rock Band Forums would be able to give some tips.

So, here goes nothing:

Legacy - Enemysis
Verse 1:
I have to get stronger
I don't have a choice
If you stand in my way
I'll silence your voice
To catch up to him
I may have to end
The life of the one
My closest friend

Chorus 1:
Is this how it ends?
No more for us to see
I never thought my friend
Would end our legacy

Verse 2:
I don't want to lose you
You were my brother
This is the wrong path
I'll show you another
If you keep at it
You'll come home by force
I made a promise
I will keep my word

Chorus 2:
Is this how it ends?
No more for us to see
I never thought my friend
Would end our legacy
This time it's for real
We're too far beyond words
A peaceful end to this
Is completely absurd

Clean Bridge:
So this is the end
A broken vow I can't mend
There's no more trust
And no more hope for us

Repeat Chorus 2

Here's a link to the song without lyrics, so you get an idea for the music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nb0ZpO19Liw

I'm taking constructive criticism on both the song itself and the lyrics, and a cookie goes to the first person who figures out what (or more specifically, who) the song is about.

[monkeyfish]

Pretty good, lyrics-wise. :D I can't find anything that's glaring with wrongness, except maybe it's a smidge too vague. And the clean bridge doesn't immediately roll off the tongue, but perhaps you have a rhythm down that I'm not thinking of.

[animemetalhead]

Well, the vagueness is to avoid some mild copyright infringement. I am referencing fictional characters...

[monkeyfish]

Well, the vagueness is to avoid some mild copyright infringement. I am referencing fictional characters...

You can be comparatively open with lyrics pertaining to fiction. Look at Metallica's One, Avenged Sevenfold's Bat Country (with direct quotes), etc.

[Young Bloodlust]

Your YouTube account name is "yurifanforever". Hehe. You're a perv.

...In all seriousness though, I like the music so far and the lyrics aren't bad. I'll just have to hear the song as a whole to know if I really like it or not.

[schmeankman]

I gotta tell ya', it's no Mr. Basketball. ;)

[animemetalhead]

Your YouTube account name is "yurifanforever". Hehe. You're a perv.

...In all seriousness though, I like the music so far and the lyrics aren't bad. I'll just have to hear the song as a whole to know if I really like it or not.

Well, my perviness is one of the few things I'll openly admit to...

And thanks, I just need to find a half-decent vocalist to record them after I finish re-recording the guitar solo (which changed AGAIN, I've never edited a song this much...)

[monkeyfish]

The general forums should have a songwriting contest, be it lyrics or a melody. We could find the next Bob Dylan. The next Pete Townsend. The next Avril Lavigne!

[Oscar-Rio]

Sounds like it'd be better staying as an instrumental.

[animemetalhead]

Whew, Oscar-Rio poked his head in here. Now I'm glad I didn't ask people to rate it on a scale of 1 - 10.

[back_blows]

Pretty mediocre lyrics, but sometimes the instruments can overcome weak lyrics. In this case, no.

[Joey-Z]

Pretty mediocre lyrics, but sometimes the instruments can overcome weak lyrics. In this case, no.

I couldn't help but laugh reading your post followed by your signature. :)

[Lameboy19]

lyrics seeem a bit bland, but then again I can't write a song because my lyrics always come out sucky, you should go all Cedric and use a thesaurus

[back_blows]

I couldn't help but laugh reading your post followed by your signature. :)

Anyone who knows me, knows I hate Cradle of Filth and their ilk.

[Alright_Computer]

It seems like you're trying too hard to rhyme one line with the next. If there's one thing I hate, it's super cheesy rhymes. "Friend" and "end", "end" and "mend", "words" and "absurd"... actually, pretty much every rhyme you have in there is cheesy. If you have to consciously think of a word to rhyme with the next line, you should just go with what you're really thinking rather than conforming to the limitations of rhyme schemes. 99% of the time, it sounds better. Rhyming is overrated anyway.

[gosox333]

Ouch, you got the HoR guys in here to rate you. Tough luck :D

[supernova1324]

Ouch, you got the HoR guys in here to rate you. Tough luck :D

Yeah, how they dare they post constructive criticism.

[gosox333]

Yeah, how they dare they post constructive criticism.

Hey now, I was making a joke. It's a running gag around here that HoR is full of hardasses.

Don't worry too hard about it.

[Lameboy19]

It's a running gag around here that HoR is full of hardasses.
.

we are?

(not to derail from the topic) but HoR is a group of music enthusiasts who know there stuff (at least from what I've been a part of) who else better to rate a aspiring musician?

[gosox333]

we are?

(not to derail from the topic) but HoR is a group of music enthusiasts who know there stuff (at least from what I've been a part of) who else better to rate a aspiring musician?

It's more of a stereotype that comes from some of the more opinionated users of the board. It's nothing serious and it definitely wasn't an insult. I didn't mean to offend you (if I did).

My bad.

[HeavyMetalKing]

The music sounds pretty good. I can't really comment on the lyrics simply because I suck at writing lyrics. Mind if I ask what characters/series the song is about? I have an idea as to what it is, but I'd like to confirm it.

[animemetalhead]

The music sounds pretty good. I can't really comment on the lyrics simply because I suck at writing lyrics. Mind if I ask what characters/series the song is about? I have an idea as to what it is, but I'd like to confirm it.

I'd rather hear what you think it is, and then tell you if you get it right. Odds are, you'd get it on the first guess.

[HeavyMetalKing]

I'd rather hear what you think it is, and then tell you if you get it right. Odds are, you'd get it on the first guess.

I'm getting a strong Naruto vibe, honestly.

[WingsOfSteel]

On a scale of 1 to "Angel Witch," I'd give it a 2.4

[animemetalhead]

I'm getting a strong Naruto vibe, honestly.

Ding! We have a winner! You get an internet cookie. The first verse is from Sasuke Uchiha's point of view, the second is from Naruto's.

[Young Bloodlust]

Ding! We have a winner! You get an internet cookie. The first verse is from Sasuke Uchiha's point of view, the second is from Naruto's.

...this song just got a lot less cool.

[animemetalhead]

...this song just got a lot less cool.

Really? I didn't think it had any cool points it could possibly lose, so it is what it is. Besides, you don't have to like the subject matter to enjoy a song.

[mercuryshadow09]

when I read those words Ben Kenobi and Anakin come to mind!