Tell Your Harshest Jokes Here

[gh2masterwellalmost]

Ok, tell your harsh jokes here - keep out racist or sexist ones so we can avoid being locked, but I'm sure some dead baby jokes will be ok :P

So, to kick it off..
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Any of you lot good with computers? I bought Colin McRae flight simulator and it keeps crashing :p

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Any more for any more? I have a few Madeline McCann jokes if you want.

[jq71586]

I'm fairly sure this thread isn't going to last all that long. Best of luck to you.

[gh2masterwellalmost]

I'm fairly sure this thread isn't going to last all that long. Best of luck to you.

Well, I don't think many people have harsh jokes to tell, but so long as we're not racist or sexist we should be ok...

[sushi111]

Mommy I dont want to visit grandma!

Shut up and keep digging

But seriously this thread is not appropriate

[gh2masterwellalmost]

Mommy I dont want to visit grandma!

Shut up and keep digging

But seriously this thread is not appropriate

Haha nice.........

-----------------------------------------

Whats the difference between Madeline McCann and Madeline McCann jokes? Madeline McCann jokes get older... ;)

and one more

Whats worse than letting Michael Jackson babysit your kids? Letting the McCanns take them on holiday... ;)

[sushi111]

Haha nice.........

-----------------------------------------

Whats the difference between Madeline McCann and Madeline McCann jokes? Madeline McCann jokes get older... ;)

and one more

Whats worse than letting Michael Jackson babysit your kids? Letting the McCanns take them on holiday... ;)

I feel so guilty for laughing

[gh2masterwellalmost]

I feel so guilty for laughing

You shouldn't. They drugged, her, left her on her own, and the only reason they get attention is because blonde hair blue eyes girl middle class family simple. Over 50 children go missing for over a month every year in the UK, not just one...

[senomar]

You shouldn't. They drugged, her, left her on her own, and the only reason they get attention is because blonde hair blue eyes girl middle class family simple. Over 50 children go missing for over a month every year in the UK, not just one...
I know. Stupid parents act like she's the only kid who has ever been lost before. :rolleyes:

[gh2masterwellalmost]

I know. Stupid parents act like she's the only kid who has ever been lost before. :rolleyes:

An hour after she's gone brilliant media campaign? Coincidence? Going to see some old German guy to pray... (Pope), they need a life.

Any more harsh/McCann jokes?

[blue_dragonzero]

Okay here goes...

A man and a crippled woman get married. After the wedding, the woman says, "I've never been ****** before...". The man says, "Don't worry," and picks her up from the wheelchair, throws her in the nearby lake, and says, "Now you're ******."

[gh2masterwellalmost]

Okay here goes...

A man and a crippled woman get married. After the wedding, the woman says, "I've never been ****** before...". The man says, "Don't worry," and picks her up from the wheelchair, throws her in the nearby lake, and says, "Now you're ******."

NICE :D WELL DONE

[DShizzle1029]

Why did Hellen Keller's dog kill itself???












You would too if your name was "bar;lkajsrlksadfsalkhdfsagpo"

[gh2masterwellalmost]

Why did Hellen Keller's dog kill itself???












You would too if your name was "bar;lkajsrlksadfsalkhdfsagpo"

Heehee keep em coming

[jq71586]

Since this hasn't been locked yet might as well get mine in.

What do Michael Jackson and zits have in common?








They both wait till your 12 to come on your face!

[gh2masterwellalmost]

Since this hasn't been locked yet might as well get mine in.

What do Michael Jackson and zits have in common?








They both wait till your 12 to come on your face!

T-owned. (totally owned)

You know, I find Harry Potter so far-fetched. I can put up with the magic, and broomsticks, but a ginge with two friends?!?!?!?! ;)

[DShizzle1029]

K this one is kinda long.


There was this quadraplegic woman laying out in the sun on this pier one day at the beach. She notices this really hot looking guy walk by her, and it makes her start to cry as she watches him walk by. He hears her and goes up to her her asking what is the matter. She states "I've never in my life been hugged before." The man feels sorry for her and picks her up and gives her a hug. He sets her back down and begins to walk away. This time she starts crying even harder. The man walks back and asks whats the matter this time. She states "I've never in my life been kissed before." So, despite the awkwardness, the man picks her up and kisses her on the lips, sets her back down, and begins to walk away. This time the woman starts to just ball. The man gets frustrated and comes back and asks what the hell she wanted now. She says "I've never in my life been f*cked before." The awkwardness is like really looming in the air, but the man looks around to see if anyone is watching. He then picks her up....and....tosses the woman over the pier and yells "NOW YOU'RE F*CKED!"

[defmonkey]

When somebody says, "Hey (You) whats shakin'?" You always reply with "Micheal J. Fox".

Whats more fun then swinging a baby on a clotheline?


Stopping it with a shovel.

[sushi111]

Whats the difference between gh2masterwellalmost and a park bench?

A park bench can support a family!:p

[sushi111]

Heres some funny, but maybe not so crass jokes I found


A man is shipwrecked on a desert island. Luckily the island has fresh water, fruit trees and an abundance of fish, so he is confident that he will survive until he is rescued. Weeks pass, however, and there is no sign of any rescue.

One day he is looking forlornly out to sea when he notices a speck on the horizon. As it comes closer he sees that it is a person in a lifeboat. As it approaches the shore he sees to his amazement that the person is Claudia Schiffer! He runs to help her out of the boat.

"Oh thank God I found this island!", she cries. "I was afraid that I would die on that lifeboat. I am the sole survivor of a shipwreck."

The man calms her down and explains that there is plenty of food and water and that they just have to keep their nerve and soon they will be rescued. She agrees that they must keep their spirits up, as it is essential to their survival.

Weeks pass with still no sign of rescue. One thing leads to another and they start having sex.

Everything seems fine. After weeks of sex morale is high. However, after a few weeks his mood starts to change. He starts to withdraw and slip into bouts of depression. Claudia sees this and gets worried. She begs him to cheer up for both their sakes, and asks if his mood change has anything to do with her.

"Well, actually, it does", he says.

"Then tell me, is there anything I can do to cheer you up?"

"Erm, yes, there is," he says hesitantly.

"Then just say the word and I will do it! After all, our survival depends on it!", she says.

"OK, then. First, I would like you to cut your hair really short like a guy's."

"OK, that's no problem."

"Then, I would like you to draw a moustache on yourself using a piece of charcoal," he continues.

She agrees, but less readily.

"Then, I want you to speak in a low voice."

Once again she agrees, but is a bit worried now.

"Then finally, I want to call you Bob."

Really worried now, she asks if all this is absolutely necessary. He assures her that it is crucial if he is going to start feeling better. And he wants her to do all this in time for a "special dinner" he is cooking that night.

Later that evening he is sitting by the fire on a log, cooking a fabulous meal. Claudia is in the bushes "preparing" herself.

"You Ok there, Bob?", he calls out.

"Yes, great, thanks", she answers in a low, gravelly voice.

"Hurry up, then, because there is something special I want to say to you!", he shouts.

She emerges from the bushes with her hair cropped very short, a black moustache and talking in a low voice.

"Is this OK with you?", she growls.

He is overwhelmed. "You look perfect, Bob! Now come over and sit by me so I can share something special with you, Bob."

She goes over to the log and sits at the end.

"Come on over here next to me", he says, patting the spot beside him. "I want to get something off my chest, and want you closer to me as it is a secret."

Reluctantly she sidles over to him.

He leans in very close to her and says, "Bob?"

"Yes?"

His eyes light up. "Guess who I'm shagging??!!"

[sushi111]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: ?Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.? The man then replies: ?Yeah, well we were married 35 years.?

[blue_dragonzero]

K this one is kinda long.


There was this quadraplegic woman laying out in the sun on this pier one day at the beach. She notices this really hot looking guy walk by her, and it makes her start to cry as she watches him walk by. He hears her and goes up to her her asking what is the matter. She states "I've never in my life been hugged before." The man feels sorry for her and picks her up and gives her a hug. He sets her back down and begins to walk away. This time she starts crying even harder. The man walks back and asks whats the matter this time. She states "I've never in my life been kissed before." So, despite the awkwardness, the man picks her up and kisses her on the lips, sets her back down, and begins to walk away. This time the woman starts to just ball. The man gets frustrated and comes back and asks what the hell she wanted now. She says "I've never in my life been f*cked before." The awkwardness is like really looming in the air, but the man looks around to see if anyone is watching. He then picks her up....and....tosses the woman over the pier and yells "NOW YOU'RE F*CKED!"

Dude I posted this first.

[DShizzle1029]

Dude I posted this first.


huh...so I see...lol! I've never heard your version before...I have only heard mine.

[blue_dragonzero]

It's ok. Your version is great too.

[DShizzle1029]

K well since we have two of the same. I will post another long one.


There were three guys who decided on going to Africa for a safari. The locals told them about two different areas where they could go lion hunting. One area had a great number of lions to hunt, however it also had a higher population of headhunters. The other area was the opposite, less headhunters, but also less lions. The three guys decided to take a chance and go into the area with more lions and more headhunters. As they were hunting. A group of men from a tribe of headhunters captured them and took them back to the village. There at the village the three men were tied to posts in the middle of the village. The chief of the tribe approaches the first captured man. He states "You have two options, either we kill you, or you suffer OOGA BOOGA!" The man replied "Well I dont wanna die, so I will just suffer OOGA BOOGA." So the tribes men take the man down from his post, bend him over a barrel, rip his pants off and every male in the trible butt rapes him. The chief goes to the second man who is horrified. He gives the second man the same two options. Hesitantly the second man chooses OOGA BOOGA. So he too is untied from the post, bent over a barrel, and butt raped. The chief goes to the third guy, and before the chief could say anything the third guy just yells out that he wants death. The chief looks at him, then looks at his people...and says "He chooses DEATH....BY OOGA BOOGA!!!"

[gh2masterwellalmost]

K well since we have two of the same. I will post another long one.


There were three guys who decided on going to Africa for a safari. The locals told them about two different areas where they could go lion hunting. One area had a great number of lions to hunt, however it also had a higher population of headhunters. The other area was the opposite, less headhunters, but also less lions. The three guys decided to take a chance and go into the area with more lions and more headhunters. As they were hunting. A group of men from a tribe of headhunters captured them and took them back to the village. There at the village the three men were tied to posts in the middle of the village. The chief of the tribe approaches the first captured man. He states "You have two options, either we kill you, or you suffer OOGA BOOGA!" The man replied "Well I dont wanna die, so I will just suffer OOGA BOOGA." So the tribes men take the man down from his post, bend him over a barrel, rip his pants off and every male in the trible butt rapes him. The chief goes to the second man who is horrified. He gives the second man the same two options. Hesitantly the second man chooses OOGA BOOGA. So he too is untied from the post, bent over a barrel, and butt raped. The chief goes to the third guy, and before the chief could say anything the third guy just yells out that he wants death. The chief looks at him, then looks at his people...and says "He chooses DEATH....BY OOGA BOOGA!!!"

LOL NICE :D

[FreQstar]

Saw this thread.
Remembered this vid.

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enjoy.

[Simonious]

Admiral Ackbar: "...that's no X-wing, IT'S A TRAP!"

*ba dum psh*

[The_Lizard_King]

all i hear where i live are racist jokes
so i have none for you

[Bakkster]

What do you call a teenager who calls himself a communist and trolls message boards?

[gh2masterwellalmost]

What do you call a teenager who calls himself a communist and trolls message boards?

Dude... come on, this is not a troll and its a fair thread... get a life man. This sort of thing is for the "insult the person above you" thread...

[Bakkster]

Dude... come on, this is not a troll and its a fair thread... get a life man. This sort of thing is for the "insult the person above you" thread...

I never said this thread was a troll. Also, the answer was left as an exercise to the reader.

Besides I never much liked being called a "fat lazy republican". I'm sure you can handle it.

[Eman311]

If i said my harshest jokes, you'd all call me racist.

[Bakkster]

If i said my harshest jokes, you'd all call me racist.

It's about Canada, isn't it? ;)

[gh2masterwellalmost]

I never said this thread was a troll. Also, the answer was left as an exercise to the reader.

Besides I never much liked being called a "fat lazy republican". I'm sure you can handle it.

I made that quote before you even joined - double accounting of someone else?


It's about Canada, isn't it? ;)

Meh, I like the song Canadian Idiot...

[Lateral]

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
Put her in a round room and tell her to go stand in the corner.

What is Helen Keller's favorite book?
"Around the Block in 80 Days."

HK jokes crack me up.

[Bakkster]

I made that quote before you even joined - double accounting of someone else?

Read my sig. My old account never got a confirmation e-mail so I couldn't have a pic/sig or make PMs. So, I made the new account and made note that it's still me so I could do those things.

[gh2masterwellalmost]

Read my sig. My old account never got a confirmation e-mail so I couldn't have a pic/sig or make PMs. So, I made the new account and made note that it's still me so I could do those things.

Fair nuff. Just lay off a bit in a thread where I haven't caused any "trolling" will ya, what happens in one thread should stay in that thread.

[Saltines]

Fair nuff. Just lay off a bit in a thread where I haven't caused any "trolling" will ya, what happens in one thread should stay in that thread.

You brought our little argument into my leisure room thread, which had nothing to do with it.

Hypocrite.

[gh2masterwellalmost]

You brought our little argument into my leisure room thread, which had nothing to do with it.

Hypocrite.

Well, actually, you're also being a hypocrite, because you're bringing another thread into this one.

Now, if you don't mind, (i will be a hypocrite here by referring to another thread) Saltines do you have a harsh or just generally funny joke to tell or are you here like the fav word thread to argue with me?

Come on, you must know a good joke (which does not refer to me or any other member or breaks the rules in anyway)

[Saltines]

Well, actually, you're also being a hypocrite, because you're bringing another thread into this one.

Now, if you don't mind, (i will be a hypocrite here by referring to another thread) Saltines do you have a harsh or just generally funny joke to tell or are you here like the fav word thread to argue with me?

Come on, you must know a good joke (which does not refer to me or any other member or breaks the rules in anyway)

I never came here to argue, or went there to argue. Just stating facts. I have no jokes either.

[gh2masterwellalmost]

I never came here to argue, or went there to argue. Just stating facts. I have no jokes either.

Shame. You may not have intended to come simply to argue, but that is how I interpreted it, so we should both be more careful next time.

--------------------- Joke time:

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law firm isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?

[DShizzle1029]

How come no one heard Hellen Keller when she fell down the well???





She was wearing mittens.

[battle_axe_of_doom]

dead babies

the end

[battle_axe_of_doom]

also

what do you call a Creedish if they aren't wearing they're uniform??
dead

what do you call a forumer on rock band forums??
dead

what do you call a normal person walking down the street??
dead

:chuckpalahniukrulez:

[gh2masterwellalmost]

also

what do you call a Creedish if they aren't wearing they're uniform??
dead

what do you call a forumer on rock band forums??
dead

what do you call a normal person walking down the street??
dead

:chuckpalahniukrulez:

First one from you I haven't laughed at. Shame.

Keep em coming tho :D

[battle_axe_of_doom]

i was mostly alluding to chuck palahnuik when he satires these moronic jokes in his novel Survivor. basically to put it in a nutshell, all of our lives are just one big joke with the same punchline : DEAD

[sushi111]

Whats the difference between your mama and a washing machine?

When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesnt follow me around for a week!

From 30 Rock:D

[blue_dragonzero]

i was mostly alluding to chuck palahnuik when he satires these moronic jokes in his novel Survivor. basically to put it in a nutshell, all of our lives are just one big joke with the same punchline : DEAD

Aluding to a Satire of a moronic joke! *head explodes*

[MotleyPriest111]

What did the duck bring to the movies?







Soup.

[SoraRikuVGM]

What do you call a teenager who calls himself a communist and trolls message boards?

I lol'd.

OH SO HARD.

The true jokes are the funniest.

[dragulaAC]

Heard this one recently, I'll try not to butcher it too bad.

A guy was driving down the road and saw a little boy sitting by the side of the road near a cliff, crying. He pulled over and asked the boy what was wrong, and the boy, crying, said that his family and car had gone over the cliff and they had all died. *Unbuckling his belt* The man said, boy you're having a bad day.

[TheTogfather]

A man had made a solemn promise to his wife never to go to the bar again. However, after one particularly rough day at work, he just had to stop off for a drink. One drink became two drinks and on and on. Before he knew it, it was pretty late and he told him self that he had to get home, he'll just sneak into the house and into bed, then tell his wife in the morning that he had to work late.

So, he stood up to leave, and fell right on his face. "Man" he thought, "I'm a lot more drunk than I thought I was." Whatever he did he couldn't stand back up, so he decided he had to crawl home. Luckily he only lived a block from the bar, so he did eventaully manage to crawl to his house, up the front steps, and pulling himself up by the door handle, unlocked the door to his house. When he tried walking in, he fell flat on his face again.

Doing the only thing he could think of, he crawled up the stairs, into his bedroom, and then up, under the sheets and into bed next to his sleeping wife. With a feeling of smug satisfaction at having gotten away with it, he went to sleep.

The next morning he awoke to his furious wife pounding him with a broom and screaming at the top of her lungs, "Damnit, I told you if you go to that bar one more time I'm going to kill you!"

He quickly replied, while trying to fend off the broom, "But I didn't, I swear! I just had to work late is all!"

She sneered, "Don't you DARE lie to me! The bar called, you forgot your damn wheelchair again!"

[gh2masterwellalmost]

NICE TOGFATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep em coming

[sushi111]

Togfathers joke made me lol.

[WildWalker]

Heres some funny, but maybe not so crass jokes I found


A man is shipwrecked on a desert island. Luckily the island has fresh water, fruit trees and an abundance of fish, so he is confident that he will survive until he is rescued. Weeks pass, however, and there is no sign of any rescue.

One day he is looking forlornly out to sea when he notices a speck on the horizon. As it comes closer he sees that it is a person in a lifeboat. As it approaches the shore he sees to his amazement that the person is Claudia Schiffer! He runs to help her out of the boat.

"Oh thank God I found this island!", she cries. "I was afraid that I would die on that lifeboat. I am the sole survivor of a shipwreck."

The man calms her down and explains that there is plenty of food and water and that they just have to keep their nerve and soon they will be rescued. She agrees that they must keep their spirits up, as it is essential to their survival.

Weeks pass with still no sign of rescue. One thing leads to another and they start having sex.

Everything seems fine. After weeks of sex morale is high. However, after a few weeks his mood starts to change. He starts to withdraw and slip into bouts of depression. Claudia sees this and gets worried. She begs him to cheer up for both their sakes, and asks if his mood change has anything to do with her.

"Well, actually, it does", he says.

"Then tell me, is there anything I can do to cheer you up?"

"Erm, yes, there is," he says hesitantly.

"Then just say the word and I will do it! After all, our survival depends on it!", she says.

"OK, then. First, I would like you to cut your hair really short like a guy's."

"OK, that's no problem."

"Then, I would like you to draw a moustache on yourself using a piece of charcoal," he continues.

She agrees, but less readily.

"Then, I want you to speak in a low voice."

Once again she agrees, but is a bit worried now.

"Then finally, I want to call you Bob."

Really worried now, she asks if all this is absolutely necessary. He assures her that it is crucial if he is going to start feeling better. And he wants her to do all this in time for a "special dinner" he is cooking that night.

Later that evening he is sitting by the fire on a log, cooking a fabulous meal. Claudia is in the bushes "preparing" herself.

"You Ok there, Bob?", he calls out.

"Yes, great, thanks", she answers in a low, gravelly voice.

"Hurry up, then, because there is something special I want to say to you!", he shouts.

She emerges from the bushes with her hair cropped very short, a black moustache and talking in a low voice.

"Is this OK with you?", she growls.

He is overwhelmed. "You look perfect, Bob! Now come over and sit by me so I can share something special with you, Bob."

She goes over to the log and sits at the end.

"Come on over here next to me", he says, patting the spot beside him. "I want to get something off my chest, and want you closer to me as it is a secret."

Reluctantly she sidles over to him.

He leans in very close to her and says, "Bob?"

"Yes?"

His eyes light up. "Guess who I'm shagging??!!"




AWESOME!!!!! Forwarding now :)

[TheTogfather]

Yah, I liked that one Sushi...hadn't heard that before. I might need to try retelling that one...could be done well in-person I think.

[FallenAce]

A man and a woman, strangers, both board a train.

By a sheer twist of fate, they wind up having the same sleeping quarters, which has a set of bunk beds. The man agreed to take the bottom bunk, as the woman wanted the top bunk. They both went to bed.

Shortly after, the woman leaned over the side and awakened the man.

"Excuse me... I'm terribly sorry, but I'm very cold and hoped you could get me another blanket."

The man looked at her, a smirk growing across his face. "I have an idea," he said. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

Giddy, the woman excitedly replied, "Okay, that sounds like fun!"

The man looked deep into her eyes and said, "Ok, good."










He rolled over, pulled the blanket up and exclaimed, "GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET!"