Stewie
11-11-2008, 07:57 PM
The most boring champions in sports!
"Jimmie Johnson presumptive three-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion. Johnson is as vanilla off the track as he is relentless on it. Smooth, well-spoken, precise, and a sponsor's dream, he's impossible to hate, which ironically makes him tough to love.
Tiger Woods, golf icon. Sure, Tiger has all kinds of wacky commercials that seem to paint him as a fun-lovin' dude. He's so unstoppable on the course, but off it, he's just ... there. His voice, which has been compared to the "banana in the tailpipe" guy from Beverly Hills Cop*, doesn't exactly strike fear in your heart, either. (*-It was Simmons, of course. The twenty-year-old Eighties movie reference should have tipped you off.)
Michael Phelps, Olympic gold medal collector. I defy you to find a more stirring instant in sports this year than Phelps' hunt for gold. And I defy you to find anything interesting or remarkable that Phelps has said or done since then, talk radio tantrums notwithstanding.
Pete Sampras, boring tennis legend, emeritus division. People tried so hard to create a rivalry between Sampras and Andre Agassi during their heyday. But the interplay between Sampras and Agassi was like playing tennis against a sponge backboard. Sampras is one of the greatest athletes of the late 20th century but as lively as a three-year-old tennis ball.
Greg Maddux, poker-faced pitcher. Maddux was the mainstay of the awe-inspiring Atlanta Braves pitching rotation of the '90s, an armada of Hall of Famers with the fiery personality of a Des Moines accounting firm. Maddux's nickname is "Mad Dog," the obvious irony being he's about as ferocious as a hound dog asleep on a porch. He'll strike your butt out, but you just might doze through it. (He apparently showers his teammates with love, but nobody else sees that ... if they would even want to.)
Phil Ivey, poker superstar. Poker's answer to Tiger Woods, Ivey is a five-time World Series of Poker champion with a trademark "cold stare" that ices his opponents. Ices his opponents ... and bores the holy snot out of the rest of us. He makes winning a year's mortgage look as exciting as paying a year's mortgage.
Tim Duncan, NBA champion. The centerpiece of the most boring championship dynasty ever assembled, the San Antonio Spurs. Duncan will drop 40 points on you, but he'll still look like he's about to take a nap in the paint. So dull that his press conferences are a Chinese-food menu-style "One from column A, one from column B..." litany of cliches.
Kevin Garnett. Nah, kidding. Just checking to see if you're paying attention.
Roger Federer, star in ... what was the name of that sport? Oh, yeah, tennis. Here's a Federer game: Serve. Volley. Point. Serve. Volley. Point. Serve. Ace. Serve. Volley. Point. Game over. And that description makes it sound even more exciting than it is.
Nicklas Lidstrom, Stanley Cup champion. The Detroit Red Wings' captain is a pleasant, exceedingly competent, soft-spoken gentleman -- which is exactly what you don't want in a freakin' hockey player! The defenseman is the symbol of the Wings' numbingly boring style of hockey, and making hockey boring is quite a feat in itself.
... hmph? Wha? No, no, I wasn't sleeping, I was typing with my eyes closed. Seriously. Go Jimmie!"
http://sports.yahoo.com/nascar/blog/from_the_marbles/post/The-Most-Boring-Champions-Club-welcomes-Jimmie-J?urn=nascar,121272
"Jimmie Johnson presumptive three-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion. Johnson is as vanilla off the track as he is relentless on it. Smooth, well-spoken, precise, and a sponsor's dream, he's impossible to hate, which ironically makes him tough to love.
Tiger Woods, golf icon. Sure, Tiger has all kinds of wacky commercials that seem to paint him as a fun-lovin' dude. He's so unstoppable on the course, but off it, he's just ... there. His voice, which has been compared to the "banana in the tailpipe" guy from Beverly Hills Cop*, doesn't exactly strike fear in your heart, either. (*-It was Simmons, of course. The twenty-year-old Eighties movie reference should have tipped you off.)
Michael Phelps, Olympic gold medal collector. I defy you to find a more stirring instant in sports this year than Phelps' hunt for gold. And I defy you to find anything interesting or remarkable that Phelps has said or done since then, talk radio tantrums notwithstanding.
Pete Sampras, boring tennis legend, emeritus division. People tried so hard to create a rivalry between Sampras and Andre Agassi during their heyday. But the interplay between Sampras and Agassi was like playing tennis against a sponge backboard. Sampras is one of the greatest athletes of the late 20th century but as lively as a three-year-old tennis ball.
Greg Maddux, poker-faced pitcher. Maddux was the mainstay of the awe-inspiring Atlanta Braves pitching rotation of the '90s, an armada of Hall of Famers with the fiery personality of a Des Moines accounting firm. Maddux's nickname is "Mad Dog," the obvious irony being he's about as ferocious as a hound dog asleep on a porch. He'll strike your butt out, but you just might doze through it. (He apparently showers his teammates with love, but nobody else sees that ... if they would even want to.)
Phil Ivey, poker superstar. Poker's answer to Tiger Woods, Ivey is a five-time World Series of Poker champion with a trademark "cold stare" that ices his opponents. Ices his opponents ... and bores the holy snot out of the rest of us. He makes winning a year's mortgage look as exciting as paying a year's mortgage.
Tim Duncan, NBA champion. The centerpiece of the most boring championship dynasty ever assembled, the San Antonio Spurs. Duncan will drop 40 points on you, but he'll still look like he's about to take a nap in the paint. So dull that his press conferences are a Chinese-food menu-style "One from column A, one from column B..." litany of cliches.
Kevin Garnett. Nah, kidding. Just checking to see if you're paying attention.
Roger Federer, star in ... what was the name of that sport? Oh, yeah, tennis. Here's a Federer game: Serve. Volley. Point. Serve. Volley. Point. Serve. Ace. Serve. Volley. Point. Game over. And that description makes it sound even more exciting than it is.
Nicklas Lidstrom, Stanley Cup champion. The Detroit Red Wings' captain is a pleasant, exceedingly competent, soft-spoken gentleman -- which is exactly what you don't want in a freakin' hockey player! The defenseman is the symbol of the Wings' numbingly boring style of hockey, and making hockey boring is quite a feat in itself.
... hmph? Wha? No, no, I wasn't sleeping, I was typing with my eyes closed. Seriously. Go Jimmie!"
http://sports.yahoo.com/nascar/blog/from_the_marbles/post/The-Most-Boring-Champions-Club-welcomes-Jimmie-J?urn=nascar,121272
