the ’Zine

52 Weeks to Rock Introduction

September 24, 2008 by The Hellion

Filed under: 52 Weeks to Rock / Tags: hmxhellion, joan-jett, struggling-musicians / 29 comments

The year was 1982. I don't remember where I was, but my family didn't have cable, so I must've been at a babysitter's house after nursery school. All I remember is lying in front of a television, scribbling half-heartedly in an Incredible Hulk coloring book, and glancing up at the TV to see the coolest person I'd ever seen in my (admittedly thus-far short) life. She was dressed all in black leather, walking down the street with an obviously bad-ass gait, bitchin' hair, and a mess of eyeliner. I sat up on my heels, rapt. I didn't know what I was witnessing, but I knew it was clear that this person did NOT have to contend with mandatory naps, oatmeal, or calls to her parents from nursery school teachers asking that she NOT confuse the other children by insisting on being referred to as "David Recipe"; this was the life for me. It was the "I Love Rock 'N' Roll" music video, and my new idol and perma-crush was Joan Jett, and I blame this moment for my eventual transformation into a struggling musician.

I say "eventual" because, although I immediately cut my hair short and started asking my parents for a leather jacket, it took me a long time to actually start playing music. The first attempt was ten years later, when I bought my first real six-string at the five and dime and played it 'til my fingers bled… okay, that's not actually true. Technically it was a guitar store and I did not play it 'til my fingers bled -- in fact, I didn't play it at all. I couldn't figure out how. I only bought it because it was a cool color and cheap and I thought that it would be easy. It wasn't, so I mostly just put on dark lipstick and took pictures of myself holding it in my bedroom.

Despite the fact that it took me twenty plus years to actually attempt to play a guitar, it's pretty clear in retrospect that I always had the disease. (No, not that disease, although after I started playing in a band, my doctor did get a lot more "concerned" and started testing me for diseases only known to occur in fruit bats and freshwater shellfish while saying things like "Well, you never know what you might have picked up out there on 'the road.'") No, the disease to which I refer is the unfortunate and incurable desire to become a musician.

If you're concerned that you might be suffering from this debilitating disease, please consult this handy list of symptoms to diagnose yourself:

Do you suffer from:

Problems with posture whenever "authority figures" are nearby?
Shortness of breath upon seeing a really sexy instrument with, oh my god, the original hardware in a music store?
Weight loss or weight gain, possibly related to a violent aversion to the gym and a limited diet of well vodka and canned corned beef hash?
General anxiety which worsens significantly when no one is paying attention to you?
Intermittent memory problems which flare up when trying to remember your significant other's birthday or last name, but which dissipate entirely when arguing over the lyrics to "Youth Gone Wild" by Skid Row?
Severe fatigue when you imagine getting up before 11 AM or having to wear pants that have neither 7-11 chili dog stains nor a giant Motörhead patch only halfway covering a gaping crotch hole?
Uncontrollable facial tics, such as eye-rolling, smirking, sneering, and loud sighing?
Chronic feelings of emptiness? (Or wait, that might be hunger… nope, no you just had a can of hash. Emptiness it is.)
Markedly and persistently unstable self-image, varying from periods of time during which you wear only a burlap sack and carry a trident, to stretches during which you paint your face burnt orange and insist on being known as "The Dark One"?
Pale pallor, possibly caused by the fact that you didn't see the sun for 7 days in a row because you were "going through a Yes phase" and needed to listen to "Heart of Stone" on repeat until "the truth revealed itself to you"?

If you find yourself answering affirmatively to any of the above questions, I'm afraid that the news is dire. You are quite probably a musician. Let me express my profound sympathy for your loss… if you don't know what I'm talking about yet, trust me, you will. Whether it be your significant other, your savings, your walk-up apartment, your Bioshock game saves, or your sanity, the Gods of Rock demand sacrifice, and you shan't be spared.

To help you deal with your illness, we at Harmonix have decided to launch a new series called "52 Weeks to Rock". We'll be kicking things off with a couple of essays that I wrote previously about how to get started (because my genius should not be overlooked) and then we'll be featuring new content every week from a host of writers. Though we can't provide a cure for your illness, we can provide treatment in the form of smarmy advice and self-aggrandizing anecdotes.

If you're ready to make the commitment to music, this series is for you. (Although if you're truly capable of making any commitment, you aren't a musician after all.) Regardless, we look forward to sharing some stories with you and giving you a year's worth of highs, lows, joy, and heartache, all mixed up atop a delicious 7-11 chili dog and served with cheap vodka. It's a long, long road to recovery, so in the meantime, take your medicine. You'll feel better.

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UncleSaltyTaterChips...

Let's see....I have been more conscious of what I eat lately, so "check" on weight loss. I do get kind of anxious when facing a bunch of staring peers, about to give my pre-election speech in school, so "check" for that. I did forget to say "happy birthday" to my dad at first a few weeks ago..."check" for memory problems. I definitely roll my eyes a lot - "check". Feelings of emptiness (that being that I have no direction when it comes to a career at the moment, and that I have no "best friend"), "check". As for unstable self-image, I do think that I get more praise from parents/teacher- s- than I deserve, so, yeah, I guess that's another "check".

Oh my waffles.....six checks. I'm a musician all right. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It IS my dream to join the likes of such rock legends as Kurt Cobain and Jimi Hendrix, but I know that's not gonna happen. I don't have the attention span to learn all of those chords and techniques.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

LucidStrike...

"Beef hash". I'm vegan, because I'm cooler than you.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

gsmith97...

This is useful info...

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Brainstrain...

David Recipe is the only way to get a really, really good David.

Step 1: Pre-treat block of Marble.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Jaden-San...

Oh, great... something ELSE that's wrong with me... :(
.No... waitaminut, this means I WAS RIGHT!!!! XD

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Hinaruthekat...

uhoh im a musician i got 7 out of 10 in the questions

please spare me

Friday, November 14, 2008

AeroZeppelinSevenfold...

I almost wet myself when I was given my uncles 1971 Fender amplifier...i am a musician.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

WingsOfSteel...

Joan Jett doesn't take naps unless Joan Jett WANTS to nap!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Thornleaf...

Well Kev if you are aroused by the picture at the top you are not alone! That reminds me of pretty much all of my high school girlfriends.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Schmidty797...

I feel bad for my neighbors, they've had to deal with 18 years of drum and loud distorted guitar playing. It's been good for me, bad for others....
Great stuff.

Friday, October 17, 2008

moneyp...

Great stuff, Helen. Looking forward to reading more of these.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

oscaralejandro27...

Saturday, October 11, 2008

person...

i dont know what to say. I'll make a computerized answer!

Computing data...

Make a selection.
1: Make witty comment that only a babbling idiot would find funny
2: Sit back and stare
3: Laugh at picture of Hellion
4: Walk away from computer and slowly cry self to sleep, like Bang Camaro
5: Gloat about how you already play a real instrument and you're amazing at rock band already
6: Do nothing

I think I'll go with number 6.

Friday, October 10, 2008

firebreather428...

I'm playing my drums til my neighbors ears bleed

Thursday, October 9, 2008

1R0Nh1d3...

I just need to start playing on instrument instead of anything I can find all at once lol

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Ben2998...

#1, yes
#2, not really... yet
#3, absolutely!
#4, I've got that symptom since yesterday...
#5,... Not only "Youth Gone Wild"
#6, So true, especially for the fatigue
#7, yes.... *Rolling eyes*
#8, Yes and I think it's the cause of #3
#9, yes...
#10, the truth haven't come yet...

So when am I starting? According to the Hellion's guide, I'm a drummer.
By the way, what's the problem with cheap Vodka?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Soror_YZBL...

It was Genesis, not Yes, and the truth is indeed found with repeated listenings of "Colony of Slippermen"!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Hindesite...

To quote Kiggi:
"Is it weird that I`m aroused by that picture at the top?"

I feel ya. ;)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

MPWN_Remission...

I like the Yes phase part....

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Royank...

Nice read on the Hellion

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Metamario...

Cool Article, i think im becoming a musician.. xD

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Vedicardi...

I have every symptom D:

I mean

:D

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

thefedz...

I dont get it . What is the point of the article?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Hungry Samurai...

I've suffered from all but number 11 which is weird since number 1 isn't really part of the list. It really ****s that I'm anti social and the only 2 other friends of mine that are musicians are slackers who don't have the time or want to be in band. Perhaps a future article will offer tips on Hypnosis or Blackmail to encourage the finding of new bandmates.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Branr...

Great, now I want a chili dog.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Aragha...

@kev: Quite possibly.

Monday, October 6, 2008

kiggidykev...

Is it weird that I`m aroused by that picture at the top?

Monday, October 6, 2008

Sayburr...

Hellion, you really have a way with words and I have enjoyed your writting style with everything I have seen by you. I can't wait to dive into this series.

Oh, and I prefer Well Vodka and Cranberry Juice... yeah, yeah, a girly drink... over Well Vodka and Cornbeef Hash. But, hell, I will try just about anything once and if it don't kill me I may try it more than once.

Monday, October 6, 2008