the ’Zine

It is Really Unlikely that Your Arm Will Suddenly Snap Off: Fear and Your First Show

December 8, 2008 by The Hellion

Filed under: 52 Weeks to Rock / Tags: hmxhellion, start-a-band, promoting-your-band, playing-live / 22 comments

HMXHellion is a Producer/Senior Writer at Harmonix and plays guitar in the band VAGIANT. She insists that refusing to do something because it is dangerous is not the same as being afraid of it. This applies to both skydiving and bicycle riding.

When I was a kid, I was scared of almost everything. I was what child psychologists might call a "highly imaginative child," which is what a normal person would call "totally f'ing bonkerstown." From the ages of about three through eleven, I was scared all the time. And whenever I got scared, I would send myself into a panic and then (yes, this is true) I would instantly start barfing. For this reason, I was unlikely to attend many sleepover parties, and my older sister (NOT affectionately) called me "Pukey." Here is a list of just SOME of the many things that terrified me into a stomach-twisting panic as a child: roller coasters, red meat, the movie The Goonies, hide and seek, fish hooks, strangers, almost any urban myths, salamanders, the commercial for the movie C.H.U.D., Lew Zealand (the puppet who threw fish on Sesame Street), the Thriller video, and Santa Claus 1.

The thing is, once I hit puberty, I stopped being scared of stuff almost altogether. There are exceptions, (of course!) but in general I don't scare all that easy 2. I recently heard the writer Paul Feig on the radio talking about his similar experience with childhood phobias, and the fact that he thinks it tends to result in fearless adulthood. To help make Mr. Feig's point, here is a list of things that I am NOT afraid of: physical pain, getting in fights, looking like a moron on national television, hangovers, snakes, really weird foreign foods, zebra print stretch pants, and the inevitable robot and/or zombie uprising.

So it was with some surprise that I discovered I had a whole new exciting array of fears when VAGIANT booked our very first live show.We were set to open at the now defunct Abbey Lounge 3 for Breaking Wheel and the Acro-brats, having been invited generously by the latter band. At that point, we knew four songs and were getting by on borrowed amps and riding the occasional bourbon-induced wave of confidence. Once we were within about a month of the show, however, I started becoming increasingly concerned about a variety of possible outcomes. These concerns were not quelled by our band practices.

At one practice, my former guitarist Elena (this was VAGIANT mach 1) decided that it would be cool to chew gum on stage. She had just seen The Konks for the first time, and the bassist Jon tends to chew gum awesomely 4. So somebody gave her some gum, we started playing a song, and about 1/3 of the way through the song, Elena began choking. Like the super gross kind of choking where spittle flies everywhere and you start to look like Brian Dennehy 5 if he were painted purple and having a seizure. Eventually the gum flew out of her mouth… and directly into her hair. So she started trying to get the gum out of her hair, lost her balance, and tripped over a cord on the floor, which caused her amp to fall over on top of her. Normally this would make me laugh really hard 6, but in that moment all I felt was terror – I was convinced we were going to be a complete disaster.

Let me just go ahead and spoil the surprise now and say that we weren't a complete disaster. We had some issues – every show has issues – but overall it was fine. But I know from personal experience that those of you who are preparing to play your first show might be struggling with some of the same fears I had, and in an attempt to put you at ease, let me present to you a list of some things I was GENUINELY SCARED OF before playing our first show:

BARFING ON STAGE
As I've already explained, I have a historically weak stomach, especially where "power of suggestion" is concerned. One time I went out to a show with some friends and, due to certain things beyond my control , I was unable to drive myself home, so I crashed on said friends' couch. In the morning, I found myself in a less than ideal state (I had the words "call Frank him have key" inexplicably scrawled on my hand and was wearing a dish towel turban on my head) when my friend walked in to wake me up. He took one look at me and whispered the words "forty ounce" – and I instantly puked.

So, I am an excellent candidate for puking on stage as a result of nerves. But I didn't. I never have! And let me make this very clear: I have NEVER in all my days of attending shows seen ANYONE puke on stage 8. If I didn't do it, you won't do it either. Because I am way grosser than you.

PEOPLE HEARING MY LYRICS
Look, I'm not going to go into details here, but the idea of people hearing my lyrics at a show really freaked me the hell out. I was thinking, "Everyone here will know all my innermost thoughts and feelings!" I genuinely considered asking certain people (about whom I had written certain songs) to leave the room before we played. Because, you know, THAT wouldn't have been obvious.

Here's the crazy thing about playing live shows that I never realized before I was in a band: no one knows what the hell you are saying. Unless you're super successful, people will almost certainly not know the words to your songs. Most people who go to see your band live won't even have your album, and those that do haven't read the liner notes 9. I am 99% certain that I could replace the lyrics of any of my songs with a shouted chorus of "DON'T TOUCH THAT, THAT'S MY BANANA HAT!" and no one would even notice.

I am even MORE confident this is true because I rarely know the words to my favorite local bands' songs. Whenever I go to see Bang Camaro, I find myself singing such "lyrics" as "Oooh come on. Your back door is on fire! Oooh come on. I want a ripe papaya-huh!" And I'm not convinced that ALL of those singers know the "actual lyrics" anyway.

So, yeah, if there ARE any lyrics that you're uncomfortable singing in public, just scream them or mumble them, and no one will be the wiser. And you can always leave them out of the liner notes, just to be safe.

MESSING UP OR EQUIPMENT FAILING
Oh yeah, those things are totally gonna happen. You really just have to roll with it, and frankly, nobody cares. The only way that a mistake can become a disaster is if you react to it by shouting, "JIM! You flowing miso cup 10! You are the WORST ragtime-influenced thrash metal electric oboe player in the ENTIRE tri-state area!!!" Just be prepared (bring an extra guitar in case you break a string, and bring lots of picks, a toolkit, and tape) and make a joke out of it.

NOBODY LIKING US
Here's another hard-to-believe but true fact: no matter how terrible you are, no matter how many times you ask "um, so how's everybody doin' tonight?," no matter how many patrons are literally plugging their ears with their own feces to avoid hearing your butchered rendition of "Teenagers from Mars," SOMEBODY will like you.

It might be your mom, it might be your long-suffering significant other, or it might be that weird old guy in the suit jacket and bathing trunks who drinks Midori Sours and dances the Watusi directly in front of the stage. In fact, it will probably be that old guy. Regardless, someone will think that you've got talent and gumption and will be waiting for you to get off stage to give you a high five 11. And, of course, you've always got each other.

In the end, your first show is going to be a blast. You'll probably make mistakes, and you'll probably freak out when you get up there. You'll probably also end up drinking too much and ill-advisedly texting your ex and then ordering really terrible pizza from the bad pizza joint because it's the only place open at 3 AM that will deliver to "a parking lot that smells like cornbread, with a blinky sign that has letters and also there's a station wagon." Just have fun with it, hug the hell out of your bandmates when you get offstage, and remember: unless there's a dude with a creepy moustache in attendance who gets off on throwing fish, there's really nothing to be afraid of.

Also, there was this video game? I've completely blocked the name out but it was on the computer, it waaay predated Resident Evil, and it involved a haunted mansion. This would've been in the late '80s, probably. I really don't remember much except that it scared the hell out of me and that scary stuff killed you if you made one wrong move. If you know what game this is or have a guess, let me know.
I'm still scared of heights, but that's a TOTALLY rational thing to be scared of, since I would DEFINITELY DIE if I fell off the roof. It's not the same as being scared of, say, spiders, which are probably not going to hurt you, let alone kill you. Anyone who isn't scared of heights is a fool (except Jon Bon, who must not be scared of heights since he used to fly over the crowd onto stage on that bitchin' trapeze and who is inherently radular.) I'm also scared of those giant paper cutter things that teachers have in grade school classrooms. But I rarely vomit out of fear anymore.
On the topic of the Abbey closing, I think I speak for the majority of mature, grown-up Boston musicians and music fans when I say: "WAAAAHHHHH! NOOOOOO! THIS IS GUTS AND POOP STICKS AND 14 OTHER KINDS OF BAD!!!!!!"
I don't really know why he is so good at chewing gum -- I realize that this concept may be lost on many of you. It's kind of like how Fonzie is good at combing his hair. I believe that everyone has a mundane task which they are uniquely awesome at. I'm not talking about things that you're good at, like sports or baking, which require an actual skill. I'm talking about day-to-day things that you DO in an awesome way. For example, I am awesome at trying on sunglasses. What useless thing can you do awesomely? Share in the comments section below.
Also as a child I was scared of Brian Dennehy.
Oh yeah, because I'm a huge jerk.
(Such as the tastiness of beer.)
Except for Sasquatch of Sasquatch and the Sickbillies, but that's because he sticks his finger down his throat. It's gross.
EXCEPT FOR STALKERS. STALKERS RITUALLY READ THE LINER NOTES.
(Edited for impressionable readers.)
The only exception is if you play a show in Boston wearing a Yankees cap. Then people will be waiting for you to get offstage to give you a tasty wrap sandwich stuffed with organic arugula and BEATDOWN.

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Demyx-XIII...

In response to the Hellion's fear of barfing on stage...
I play in a local youth orchestra (totally the opposite of rock, I know, but I'm a rocker at heart, I promise!). When I was younger, I used to get scared to the point of panic attacks with extreme nausea, really bad trembling, dizziness and difficulty breathing. I was only like, ten or eleven, but that's besides the point. After about two years of performing... you get over it.
Another example is that I recently had to go through the same thing for public speaking in high school mock trial matches (once again, I acknowledge that I am a NERD.). But I honestly thought that I was the only person who ever had a fear of puking on stage, witness stand, etc. Thanks for enlightening us with your wisdom, Hellion!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Roland Van Owen...

OK Go can turn the potential disaster into part of the act. This occurred post treadmill video in a sold-out venue with 1200+ rabid fans. Damien broke a string midway through the set. "Somebody" had irrepairably damaged his backup guitar the previous week. Andy took the guitar and proceeded with the restringing right there on stage. Instead of letting the crowd get restless, Tim and Damian spontaneously took on the roles of Javert and Jean Valjean in an a capella performance of Javert's Death. They probably had it prepared just in case. Brilliant. As Atmosphere says, "When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That **** Gold"!!!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

JB4GDI...

Maniac Mansion huh? My first thought was Fright Night. That game (and ShadowGate on the NES) gave me nightmares as a child.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

theempprer...

lol scary stuff killed u

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

CouchSpud...

I completely get the useless talent thing. I'm a bamf when it comes to emptying a dishwasher. I have yet to find someone who can unload dishes like I can. I'm like a bartender... a really lame bartender.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Thornleaf...

Yes, I nailed it! Who would have guessed my knowledge of Commodore 64 games would one day yield positive results. Hellion, I'm glad that you find the game humorous in retrospect because I thought I was demented for a few days there. By the way, Labyrinth is awesome (package and all). Dance magic, dance.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

HMXHellion...

I love these comments. It totally was Maniac Mansion -- I can't believe it now that I've watched videos of the game. The game looks really funny! But that nurse lady is scary and I looooove animals so blowing up hamsters is still scary to me.

I think little kid conflation of things is usually the big problem in childhood terror. Re: Invaders from Mars, when I was little, some girl TOLD me about "Labyrinth" and I was terrified of it forever... until I saw it... and the only scary thing is Bowie's package. Yowzas.

Boston IS awesome, but the Abbey Lounge is no more, sadly. VERY SADLY. Now we will have to go to Church (it's a venue, not a church) and O'Briens all the time.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

vApathyv...

That's amazing...I actually have a talent in trying on sunglasses too. I'm like a sunglass connoisseur. I also have the sorta-useless ability of catching things that fall before I even realize that they just fell.

OH...I intend on taking a trip down to Boston to observe and soak in the music scene there...where exactly is this Abbey Lounge? I wouldn't mind scoping out where it is, or at least getting pictures of it's once-former glory.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Apples...

This is a great article. It reminds me of my younger sister who has a knack for puking at the most inopportune moments.

Friday, December 12, 2008

SynderBlokk...

Maybe it's just me, but I get different zine entries that only appear, in some cases, if I'm stepping forward through them, and, in others, only appear if I'm going backwards. That can't be right.

Oh, and as for being terrified of embarrassing things...for years I thought that I had been scarred for life by an episode of Scooby Doo. Then one day (by seeing it again) I realized that I had somehow conflated an ep of The Twilight Zone with the Scooby Doo ep, and I felt better. Then I watched the rest of the Twilight Zone episode, and it turned out that the whole point was that there was nothing to be afraid of--that the giant alien astronaut was just a tiny alien in a big blow up suit--and that the protagonists were total fools to be afraid. So, yeah, that ****ed after all.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

WhiteyMcTool...

Useless things I am awesome at:

Checking the rockband.com forums announcement page every ten minutes starting at 10am every Friday. Yes, I bring my laptop to class and do it while class is in session. And I refresh with STYLE.

You guys totally threw me off with that Monday announcement. Now I'm going to start checking every Monday too.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Thornleaf...

There should hopefully be an easy way to figure out if this game was Maniac Mansion. There was a big dude who would take care of you if you went somewhere you weren't supposed to be so that's good. There was also a big moon you could get up to the observatory and look at if you played your cards right. So, if you were able to blow up a hamster in the microwave in the kitchen or if there were 2 or 3 different colored, talking tentacles spread throughout the masion that is your game. If so, should I feel bad about finding Maniac Mansion hilarious instead of scary?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

MrSummer...

I'm Awesome at turning my TV on/off. I wish there was a contest for stylishly turning a TV on xD
There's nothing to be ashamed of in being scared of Maniac Mansion... I remember I was scared of it, too back when I was a kid >_<
But well then again I always slept with my neck to the wall for 10 years after HEARING the story to "Invaders from Mars" from a friend who had seen the movie.... (Ok, that fear was reinforced when I watched an episode of Star Trek: TNG a few years later where they also stuck something in the necks of others to control them...) Luckily I'm over those things nowadays XD

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Branr...

That's it, I'm moving to Boston, it sounds like a LOT more fun than South FLorida. I wonder if I could get my company to swing financing the move?

And don't talk to me about spiders. I was scarred at a young age by a drive-in movie viewing of "The Giant Spider Invasion".

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

HMXHellion...

Um, there is a very, VERY distinct possibility that the game was, in fact, Maniac Mansion. I WAS REALLY YOUNG! I still need to research it more... but this seems likely. And sad.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Sayburr...

Hellion and fear? Just doesn't seem to go together at all.

Every gets a little afraid when it comes to going up on that stage. You are putting yourself in front of a group of strangers and asking them to critique you.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

HMXHellion...

Still not sure though - watched some videos and it doesn't seem right. The time limit is kinda familiar though... I remember so little. There is a part where you're in the kitchen, there's a part where you're in the backyard and there is a big moon in the sky... also there's some terrifying dude who comes and kills you if you go into the wrong room at the wrong time.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Thornleaf...

I agree with the thought that the game in question is Alone in the Dark. Either that or you scare way easier than anyone could have thought possible and the game was Maniac Mansion. Good times.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

HMXHellion...

Alone in the Dark seems too fancy and late -- it was released in 1992. It was lower rent than that. Uninvited is a strong possibility!! It doesn't look the way I remember, but that's the thing about the shows and games you liked in childhood -- you watch them now and they look SO terrible.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

osteofight...

My first guess is also Alone in the Dark, but it could also be Uninvited.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Duh-Man...

Some of my notes on your notes:
1) I agree, I think it was "Alone in the Dark." Very Creepy, much fun. Yeah I'm weird.
2) Don't fear the heights, fear the loud and crunchy-wet SPLAT noise at the bottom. It is MUCH meaner than the height.
3) EPIC **** for us losing the Abby.
4) I am AWESOME at pushing the Start button on the microwave. (Sometimes even with Kung-Fu sound effects!)
5) You should be.
6) Yeah, that makes 2,3,4,5,....a butt load of us.
7) Hey... there is good beer. Just not PBR. :-)
8) ungh
9) You TOLD ME to read the liner notes!
10) Good call.
11) Thanks! Now I know how to get some free arugula.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008